How am I doing?

I want to say great! PHYSICALLY - I am feeling a lot better... but emotionally...sigh....
My sister, Cyndi,  is starting to write again. She has gone back to her blog after more than a year off...

The Reddigs Ramblings. 

She is a wonderful writer/poet. Her words are like how I feel fabric or clay is to me - a way to express ourselves and combined make a masterpiece. I am proud of her for this first step. I read this from my sister and here is my comment to her post. Fair warning... they aren't easy reads. Cynn is using this to help her through our family's terrible tragedy of losing Andrew, her 6yr old twin son. We are all just shells. We are all still trying to find a way to heal. It never goes away. We put on brave faces... We support each other and love each other. We are a resilient family. Yep - I like that choice of word dear, sweet, sister... we walk this road together.

Time for a new norm...

Well something happened to my last background and I couldn't get the blog to function properly... so I "upgraded" or at least I changed things up a tad.

A "new norm" has a lot of significance to my life now... I just don't know really how to start the explanation except to say... I have had more sorrow, grief, and loss in 3 months than a person should have to bear in years.

I don't even know how to write about how I feel or all that happened. I don't even know where to begin... I thought the "death and sadness" was over. It wasn't.

I have lost so much. We have lost so much.

On July 8th (our 15-year & my parents' 43rd wedding anniversaries), 2010 evening... I have lost my dear, sweet, 5-year old twin nephew... ANDREW ROBERT REDDIG.
I can't go in to details except to say he was riding his bike and was hit by car. We miss him desperately. My family is broken. He was my kindred spirit - so alike me - it hurts to think. Why my family?

And then to make our lives a little more like a soap-opera or BAD drama... on top of Mr Safety-Man's mom passing away. His dad died in his sleep - the night before my sweet Andrew's funeral. WHY?????????????? O WHY LORD is this happening?

I had a more eloquently post brewing in my head. But I just cannot seem to say what I want to say. I am filled with such loss.

I spent the month with my sister and her family in Logan, UT. Trying to help - the best I could. Trying to make the hurt less noticeable. Trying with all my might to turn back the clock and make Andrew re-appear. It didn't work. But we did find strength through our family. We did lean on eachother. When one of us was down... the other built them up. Our children helped us - with their need of us. Even the pets felt the great loss and rallied around us. I tried to make my sister and her hubby feel that life was still ok. My sister is so brave and strong. But she is so sad too. She is re-building a "new normal" - she says. I just don't want to right now. She is my guide. I am trying to be more like her. The grief and loss hit at the oddest times and sometimes just don't go away. Yesterday was like that. But I guess I put myself on "DeNiAL IsLaNd" - (it's the place to be don'tcha know?)- helping everyone else in Utah. because now I am home in Florida again and I feel the loss over again...It hurts. It cuts. It's raw. I feel alone. I feel bitter. I feel cheated. I feel lost and in despair. I feel so sad...

I will write more as I can... But for right now?! I keep busy, I don't sleep, I try to "be" for my girls.

Lord, I am looking for you, help?