Blue

The skies are certainly blue. I love being able to see it. The sun does help me warm up - I just wish my mood wasn't so blue. Why? Why do I feel the way I feel? It is frustrating and heartbreaking.

We had a WONDERFUL and I mean WONDERFUL Spring Break. I cannot wait to post photos! We were really in our element. It was SO good to be together as a family. I love our time together. I truly, truly do. 

Families are forever.

I believe that with all my heart.

It was so fun together. We had a TERRIFIC week!  But then it rained the last day. We had to leave a bit earlier - not my choice. And it hit...our wonderful Disney World passes that I didn't think were even obtainable when we actually got them - until they were in our hot little hands- are expiring at the end of this month. There is no renewing them... not this year. Not with the year we've had. It's too bad. I really love going to Disney World. I know how lucky we were to be able to get our annual passes. I love to see my little, sweet girls' faces when go on a ride or show they love. I love that my oldest (11yrs old) still lights up that Minney Mouse waved to her.."She looked right at me Mommy and WAVED!!!".  It's been such a blessing to help us get a through a really tough time. A time I am sorry to say that is never gone. It's always lurking in the shadows of my mind. I think I am doing better though. sometimes. Is it funny to say that going to Disney has helped?

But I guess I'm down for a variety of reasons. Only I can't shake them. I want to lie down and throw the covers over my head and not move. I feel things are not controllable - and that is hard for me. I see my Sweetpea and she is growing up fast - but still a little girl. She is trying so hard to figure out who she is... then it hits... She'll be in Middle School next year. And I don't want that. But I do. I don't want to lose my first born baby...not that I am losing her... but the "baby" I am. I pray that she will still be my sweet girl. But we know Middle school age stereotypes...don't we? I pray she will be like me and my mom were. I never thought my mom was "queer" (yes... it was the 80's y'all). I never was embarrassed to hug her in front of my friends. I was a bit unique I guess. But I adored (still do) my mom and dad. I just pray I have that with both my girls. They are such snuggle-y wonders to me. How did I receive such a gift - twice? Such blessings?

I am sad. Yes. I will work through it and try to be more "me". Yes. Remembering that what is important is right here with me and beside me... crawling in to bed with me the last few days, weeks, months - still to wipe away bad dreams and telling me that they love me. THAT is what will help me defeat these awful feelings.
Yes.

I will somehow triumph. yes.

Time for a new norm...

Well something happened to my last background and I couldn't get the blog to function properly... so I "upgraded" or at least I changed things up a tad.

A "new norm" has a lot of significance to my life now... I just don't know really how to start the explanation except to say... I have had more sorrow, grief, and loss in 3 months than a person should have to bear in years.

I don't even know how to write about how I feel or all that happened. I don't even know where to begin... I thought the "death and sadness" was over. It wasn't.

I have lost so much. We have lost so much.

On July 8th (our 15-year & my parents' 43rd wedding anniversaries), 2010 evening... I have lost my dear, sweet, 5-year old twin nephew... ANDREW ROBERT REDDIG.
I can't go in to details except to say he was riding his bike and was hit by car. We miss him desperately. My family is broken. He was my kindred spirit - so alike me - it hurts to think. Why my family?

And then to make our lives a little more like a soap-opera or BAD drama... on top of Mr Safety-Man's mom passing away. His dad died in his sleep - the night before my sweet Andrew's funeral. WHY?????????????? O WHY LORD is this happening?

I had a more eloquently post brewing in my head. But I just cannot seem to say what I want to say. I am filled with such loss.

I spent the month with my sister and her family in Logan, UT. Trying to help - the best I could. Trying to make the hurt less noticeable. Trying with all my might to turn back the clock and make Andrew re-appear. It didn't work. But we did find strength through our family. We did lean on eachother. When one of us was down... the other built them up. Our children helped us - with their need of us. Even the pets felt the great loss and rallied around us. I tried to make my sister and her hubby feel that life was still ok. My sister is so brave and strong. But she is so sad too. She is re-building a "new normal" - she says. I just don't want to right now. She is my guide. I am trying to be more like her. The grief and loss hit at the oddest times and sometimes just don't go away. Yesterday was like that. But I guess I put myself on "DeNiAL IsLaNd" - (it's the place to be don'tcha know?)- helping everyone else in Utah. because now I am home in Florida again and I feel the loss over again...It hurts. It cuts. It's raw. I feel alone. I feel bitter. I feel cheated. I feel lost and in despair. I feel so sad...

I will write more as I can... But for right now?! I keep busy, I don't sleep, I try to "be" for my girls.

Lord, I am looking for you, help?

It's been TOO long...

WOW! Time has gone by. It has been a whirlwind. A true whirlwindy type of month. I meant to journal the week spent in Maine with Chris sans enfants, helping take care of San. And then... well life interrupted. My beautiful mother-in-law,

Sandra Woods Marriner

passed away at 8:56pm on a very special...beautiful day... her birthday, May 26th, 2010. She turned 72yrs old. Yes... her actual birthday. I truly feel it was a type of re-birth. She is with God now. No longer in need of the ailing, broken brain and body - she is born again anew to be with God in heaven and all those we love and miss that have gone before her. We will see her again. But we ache for the hurt we feel now. The emptiness. The sorrow and pain.

When there is less pain, and rawness... I will write about the experience. It is important to remember. It is important my girls remember their Gramma San. It is important for us to hold her close to our hearts and never forget the closeness we felt before her death.

We miss you Gramma San. I miss you Sandra...
I love you too.

Challenging

I sit here in San's room... it's dark... it's quiet except for her quiet hypnotic breathing and Amazing Grace CD on in the background. Candy's back - and we made San a promise tonight that she wouldn't be alone in her room. That one of us would be here. It was a hard evening of tears, things needing to be said, goodbye's of such, and preparation for San to find her peace.

It's been a challenging few days... truly. While Candy was gone my Safety Man and I took care of Sandra. She got up probably a total of 15-20 times in the afternoon. I helped her to the commode and off each and every time (I really, really miss my back brace), helped her with whatever she needed. I was awake from 9:30am and decided after watching my dear, poor hubby just wither with stress, sadness, remorse, depression, and exhaustion that he needed to sleep the entire night... yep - that meant an 'all-nighter' for me - for my shift. But I didn't tell him that. He needed the sleep. He needed to be able to detach for awhile.

Soooooo I didn't exactly lie - as he asked me to wake him... but I didn't exactly tell him I had already planned to let him sleep. I didn't even doze, nor drift off, nor nod... I just couldn't sleep. Watched 1 movie - The Ugly Truth it was ok for a no brainer movie. I listened to San, read, prayed, and thought.

I made it to 5:15ish AM... woke Mr Safety-Man and then San woke up so I helped him with her again until 6:30AM. Then crashed. Only to awake to the biggest headache i've had in months. A huge, tension migraine that had me tossing my cookies (but mostly my meds). So i slept...and slept - and prayed. Poor Mr Safety-Man- i didn't want him to have to worry 'bout me. But he did because he loves me.

A bit before dinner - San was at the table and & told us her mind was all garbled. She barely talks now. Candy told her it seemed her body was telling us 1 thing - but her head was holding on... We all 3 got her to bed, tucked her in, told her we loved her, that if she had to go we would be ok, told her there was a part of her in all of us (she replied "I hope all good parts"), she asked for her sister Auntie Jan. (She came much later for awhile and sat by her bedside chatting with us) We hugged San and loved her. We cried tears of sadness, but of happiness too. For her to rejoice to be with our Lord. We asked her to say hi to Grampa Doc, Nain, Mandy her pup, Kayla - Candy's pup. And she slept. I wanted MY girls to be able to tell her how much they love her... it is important to them and to her. I called them and told them to tell her just how much. Ky told her that she loves her to the moon, through the stars and universe and back again. I cried. BooBooBear told her that she loves her even more than horses!!!!! I cried again. They both love their Grandma San so much. And though she was mostly asleep - she heard - nodded - and told them each how much that she loves them too. I cried some more.

Then Candy read a poem to her from the book May I Walk You Home by Joyce Hutchinson and prayers by Joyce Rupp. I will write the words in another post...too hard write now.

She's gotten up twice with Candy. And now on my watch she's gotten up twice in a row (within 20 minutes of eachother) and just made movement to get up again. I pray she sleeps. She deserves some peace.

Safety-Man and I went down the street to grab a bite to bring back. I asked him if we could go visit Grampa Doc - I needed to talk to him. In the cemetary en route to the gravesite there were lavender lilacs. Nain and my favorites. I asked SMan to stop and I picked a bunch. Nain is with me. We sat by Grampa Doc's grave overlooking the ocean. We spoke to him in our heads. It is time. It is time. I pray they walk San home. Nain on one side, Grampa Doc on the other and the pups alllll around her.

She isn't doing well tonight. Restless. The second time she got up...I was helping her back to bed and I asked her to hold on to me to shuffle back around. And she clung to me and patted me and hugged me. I found peace in that moment.

Arrival

So we arrived yesterday in the beautiful state of Maine. The trip was virtually uneventful...although I went to go put on my back brace (travelling still hurts my back rather badly) and got side-tracked. Well... apparently the blessed brace slipped and fell and got LEFT at the Tampa airport. I didn't figure it out until we almost got to Baltimore... I was instantly so stressed out... an almost $1000 piece of equipment that insurance would not pay for again... I was so angry with myself.

Luckily when we got to our gate in Baltimore we called and low and behold someone had turned it in right away (why they couldn't bring it down the ramp and say "HEY does this belong to someone?" I dunno).

His Mimi (maternal Grandma) and Auntie Jan (his mom's sister) stopped in when we first arrived. Mimi was quite lucid and talkative! She even remembered me this time (phew... that made it easier) - even scolded me on the phone a few days before we left -upset we hadn't visited her as promised before we went back to FL!

San is not doing well. She has gone quite downhill. She was catheterized on Thursday (and not happy about it). She is completely unaware of timing and gets up so often. She now has a hospital bed which is good. She is constantly trying to get up and go eat or go to the bathroom (even with the cath). Candy (Mr Safety-Man's sister) has been doing an incredible job with her. But it has drained her completely. Plus she has her 4-yr old son here as well. We have come to relieve some of the pressures. San's been getting up at least 10-12 times a night!

We are on 100% support system now. We decided to do shifts. I took first shift and stayed awake all day until 3am. I was going to try and do an all-nighter to let Candy and my Safety-man sleep - but just couldn't do it. He got up at 2:50am and I was starting to nod off. So he told me to go to bed and he stayed awake (or tried to) until San got up at 5am! YES! She stayed asleep the entire night! Candy got a better night sleep and I crashed until almost 9:30am.

Today Candy has gone with her hubby and son to have a family day/night. Her hubby is leaving for a few days to CT and she needed a big break and to stay in her own home. So far my Safety-Man and I have been doing ok with her. She's gotten up twice... she feels she has to go potty a lot and is losing sense of time. But we help her to the potty, I drain the cath, help her on the potty and off, and help her with her clothes. Then back to her room and tucked in...

It's incredibly difficult to have to do this for her... humbling, yet in a way it is very rewarding and I feel like I am doing something to give San/Mom/Grammy San peace. She loves us all so very much and have told us all that numerous times and gives big hugs and kisses to us all the time.

It's a hard week...but very fulfilling to be here.

Re-Juvenate

So today's been a day of re-grouping, rejuvenating, re-evaluating, and realizing.
I just cannot believe how tired I am from all the emotional strain and it's not even my parent!

Mr. Safety-man's handling things well. The hardest for me (us) is seeing this incredibly STRONG woman go from doing everything on her own to barely being able to do much - but atill think, believe, & hope she can continue on her own. It is so hard to watch her go thru all his and then have to watch Safety-man do the same bleck. I wish this on no-one.

But since Grammy San had two major appts (homehealth care assessment & hospice volunteer coordinator) and it was to be a "big day" for San... The girls & I went to Bluehill library, a local park on the water (sighhhhh gorgeous), a bit of grocery shopping, & walking around tiny "main", downtown!

Oh it was fun. At the library (have i ever said how much i love, love, LOVE libraries and this one's OLD!) we did some research on Ky's speech, did some homework sheets, read, looked at the lovely children's artwork and just enjoyed ourselves. Got some neat stuff outta there too. Then a lovely afternoon in the park- sun finally out temp's rising from 48 earlier in the day to 58 down to 35 tonight...Brrrrrrr! time to bundle up!!! Watching the girls run and play, giggle and argue, need eachother and need to be independent...listening to the shore sounds... I just needed that to reboot, reprogram, rejuvenate. My girls sometime drain me but for the most part they give me so much....so much of themselves and just plain make me happy.

But as i reflect on today after hearing the home healthcare nurse i realized that i have precious time, with my mother-in-law, with my girls as they are young, with my family all together... That it's so important to tell those i love that i DO love them and my life wouldn't be the same or as wonderful without them.

Yes. That is how i will Re-member things...the love i got to grow strpnger while beong up here-ah in Blue Hill, Maine.

(please excuse the errors... Doing this on the iPhone is NOT an easy task...no internet connection except rhis phone! Heck MY cell phone hasn't even worked!!)

And awayyyyyyyyyyy we go...

Well everything but the girls shoes and toiletries are packed up...
Hard to believe this time I've dreaded to come is here. We are off to visit and probably say goodbye to my Safety-Man's momma. It will be extremely emotional for all of us... I am sure it will definitely be hard. I am sure it will be draining and sad. But I also hope that we have some wonderful, lasting memories. Some happy, memorable times.

I am looking forward to going to the Grasshopper Shoppe, and some sweet local shops in Blue Hill. I am MOST looking forward to seeing our loved ones and walking, playing, being at the seaside at Mimi's (Mr Safety-Man's grandma) house. And of course seeing the bed and breakfast mansion we almost bought - Arcady DownEast - our dream home... A girl can dream right?!

Sigh... ok here we go... We can do this...

Songs...

How can a song trigger such emotions so quickly?

I am a music HOUND. I LOVE all types of music. My friends laugh at Mr. Safety-Man's and my diverse music taste. We have everything from classical, to hard rock, to some rap, to alternative, to now country (ok and that was SO hard for me to type - since I have battled liking that "type" of music for so long).

But today as I was getting some things accomplished... I put on my play list and this song came on. It has been a favorite of mine since it originally came out. But this time it came on - it had some different meaning. It was able to fit into my issues happening now, my emotions now. And I was able to release some of my feelings... just a little... but it helped.

Music - such a funny thing how it can even evoke emotions from your past, bring up un-remembered memories, change your point of view... help you deal with situations that you feel out of control over, and even help you to heal... a little at a time.

Butt Dialing?

Ok so we've all done it right? OOoops... calling someone without meaning to call? Sorry!!

Apparently with my Blackberry - I've been doing it some lately. If I call you or have called you and wasn't "there" I am so sorry!! I think I may have even called overseas once! Ok not really - but man - it's amazing how easy it is to dial on this phone.

OK so I was on my way home from a good morning out and about... I was really thinking about my sister-in-law and thinking I should call her to give her some much needed support. But my mind was going a million miles a minute and I had a tons of things to finish up before I had to get the girls from the bus stop. So the idea came and went.

Once home, I was trying to get all my errand packages inside - hung on my arms, phone in my hand, purse over my arm, keys barely grasped to open the door... talkng to Kiki was the furthest from my mind. I heard a noise... looked down and apparently had "BAG-dialed" Kiki... How did that happen? I didn't dial her number... I hadn't dialed her number since she was visiting in January. Why this phone number? Why now?

I almost hung-up. I wasn't prepared to be supportive. I didn't know what to say. How can I be there for her. Then a peace came over me... "Tell her how you feel...".

I let the phone continue to ring... Kiki answered. We talked. We cried. I felt close to her. She felt a huge bond with me. I felt that I supported her and she in turn supported me. It was exactly what she needed - she told me.

Amazing that it happened the way it had. Or do things happen for a reason?

Butt Dialing... who knew how much it could help out in a very hard situation.

Things that annoy...

i am not an oldest child... a mere middle child.
i have huge tendencies toward characteristics of an oldest child.
writing lists... it is an inherent part of who i am.
it helps me feel better, more controlled, centered.

...maybe it will help today.

today's list-annoyances:

~~ clutter everywhere ~~

~~ not being able to "catch-up" on things that have to get done ~~

~~ canker sores - all of 'em - but mostly the ones in my mouth that HURT ~~

~~ things that hurt my babies - ouchies in the middle of the night, feelings, external sources ~~

~~ not being a morning person ~~

~~ not being organized & being unmotivated ~~

~~ feeling sad ~~

~~receiving bad, bad, BAD news not once but twice in a short period of time ~~

~~ things that grow inside a body... that we don't know it's there - 'till...
that hurt the ones we love... that frighten us... that we cannot do anything about...
that may mean loss... that scares me. ~~

~~ being helpless ~~

~~ not being able to shut off my mind for a bit ~~

~~~~just a few annoyances for today~~~~