It's been TOO long...

WOW! Time has gone by. It has been a whirlwind. A true whirlwindy type of month. I meant to journal the week spent in Maine with Chris sans enfants, helping take care of San. And then... well life interrupted. My beautiful mother-in-law,

Sandra Woods Marriner

passed away at 8:56pm on a very special...beautiful day... her birthday, May 26th, 2010. She turned 72yrs old. Yes... her actual birthday. I truly feel it was a type of re-birth. She is with God now. No longer in need of the ailing, broken brain and body - she is born again anew to be with God in heaven and all those we love and miss that have gone before her. We will see her again. But we ache for the hurt we feel now. The emptiness. The sorrow and pain.

When there is less pain, and rawness... I will write about the experience. It is important to remember. It is important my girls remember their Gramma San. It is important for us to hold her close to our hearts and never forget the closeness we felt before her death.

We miss you Gramma San. I miss you Sandra...
I love you too.

Arrival

So we arrived yesterday in the beautiful state of Maine. The trip was virtually uneventful...although I went to go put on my back brace (travelling still hurts my back rather badly) and got side-tracked. Well... apparently the blessed brace slipped and fell and got LEFT at the Tampa airport. I didn't figure it out until we almost got to Baltimore... I was instantly so stressed out... an almost $1000 piece of equipment that insurance would not pay for again... I was so angry with myself.

Luckily when we got to our gate in Baltimore we called and low and behold someone had turned it in right away (why they couldn't bring it down the ramp and say "HEY does this belong to someone?" I dunno).

His Mimi (maternal Grandma) and Auntie Jan (his mom's sister) stopped in when we first arrived. Mimi was quite lucid and talkative! She even remembered me this time (phew... that made it easier) - even scolded me on the phone a few days before we left -upset we hadn't visited her as promised before we went back to FL!

San is not doing well. She has gone quite downhill. She was catheterized on Thursday (and not happy about it). She is completely unaware of timing and gets up so often. She now has a hospital bed which is good. She is constantly trying to get up and go eat or go to the bathroom (even with the cath). Candy (Mr Safety-Man's sister) has been doing an incredible job with her. But it has drained her completely. Plus she has her 4-yr old son here as well. We have come to relieve some of the pressures. San's been getting up at least 10-12 times a night!

We are on 100% support system now. We decided to do shifts. I took first shift and stayed awake all day until 3am. I was going to try and do an all-nighter to let Candy and my Safety-man sleep - but just couldn't do it. He got up at 2:50am and I was starting to nod off. So he told me to go to bed and he stayed awake (or tried to) until San got up at 5am! YES! She stayed asleep the entire night! Candy got a better night sleep and I crashed until almost 9:30am.

Today Candy has gone with her hubby and son to have a family day/night. Her hubby is leaving for a few days to CT and she needed a big break and to stay in her own home. So far my Safety-Man and I have been doing ok with her. She's gotten up twice... she feels she has to go potty a lot and is losing sense of time. But we help her to the potty, I drain the cath, help her on the potty and off, and help her with her clothes. Then back to her room and tucked in...

It's incredibly difficult to have to do this for her... humbling, yet in a way it is very rewarding and I feel like I am doing something to give San/Mom/Grammy San peace. She loves us all so very much and have told us all that numerous times and gives big hugs and kisses to us all the time.

It's a hard week...but very fulfilling to be here.

Hope

Mr Safety Man just said... "Hope is never gone... it just is a different kind of Hope"... words to remember as life will be changing for us in the next few days... I pray to the Heavenly Father that He watches over us and keeps us safe as we are separated from our children to go and be with my M-i-Law. I pray that He guides San home with peace, dignity, love and grace...




Hope...


It really never is gone... just accompanied by Faith and Love.

Snuggles...

I just love this word. I love how it makes me feel. I love snuggling. I love how my kids love snuggling.

Snuggles. or as Boo says it ... Snawguls.

"Momma snawguls?" Every night before the girls go to sleep. Even my Kyky asks still. I love it. I love lying down next to them and putting my arm around them. They shift... they turn towards me or scoot closer to me. They move their little heads like kittens towards their Momma. Finding that just comfy place.... and then...

We soul sigh. Mommy and child fitting together like a perfect piece of a puzzle. Mommy and child - a bond that will never cease or break or bend. It's always there... always waiting for that next snuggle. It's a gift from God. I truly feel so close to my girls when we snuggle together. And those precious moments in time are when my girls really open up to me. They share everything during "snuggle time": expectations, sadness, boldness, gossip (as much as a 5 and 9 yr old gossip - and we don't condone gossip... but it's so darn cute to hear classroom dramas), hopes, dreams, happiness, and fear. But mostly snuggle time is thanking God for our blessings, and sharing our love. It's so awe-some - in the true sense of the word. Just snuggling... just wonderful.

I read recently a comment on a recent blog that poo-pooed the word snuggle. "Don't you hate that word?". Like it meant something so x-rated, something evil or bad. I just don't get it. Snuggling is something so pure in our family. Heck I look fwd to when my mom comes tomorrow so I can sit next to her and just snuggle against her. So I can get close to my dad and just snuggle up in one of his great bear hugs... SNUGGGGGGGGGGGGGLING. It's the best form of loving I can imagine.

When I read to my little ones... I just feel this calmness come over me when they get close to me and snuggle up to me. If they don't come and get close I feel something is not right and it's hard to concentrate on reading. I think that my love of snuggling is a gift... I learned it from such fantastic, loving, blessed, family members... I just hope that I can continue to share it with my loved ones for a long, long, LONG time to come... there is nothing greater than sitting with your grandma and snuggling up for one of her tales...

Can I please do that in the years to come?

Snawguls.

It's just what we do.

We are snugglers and I have two of the greatest snugglers in the whole wide world!

How can you go wrong with snuggling? I wonder where my girls learned it from? Geeeee I wonder?? Now THAT'S a good legacy I think...

Musing on getting some snawguls from my girls tonight before I finally rest this weary head...

Love... love is in the air!!!

Well - it's been a bit of time... And it's been wonderful! We celebrated my birthday/Valentine's Day together with my special family and wonderful friends. Wow it was so much fun... I love spending time with them. And those that I couldn't spend time with - the phone calls and love I felt from you all - meant so much!!



My birthday has always been special to me - not just because it's my birthday (although it is GREAT! hahaha)... but because it is a day of love - THE - day of love! I know it is commercialized but I treat it as a day to celebrate those that I love and I care about. Chris treated me like a queen and my girls and I had just a fabulous time. Kyky helped Chris make me an expresso brownie shaped like a huge heart while Boo and I went on a bike ride!!

THEN Chris let me do something that he never has let me do before... HE LET ME OPEN MY PRESENTS after lunch!!! Usually it's after dinner... but not this day! Truly a special day!
So what were the presents you ask? I got spoiled... truly spoiled... which included a Wii Fit, a digital frame (I had secretly been thinking about for awhile), flowers, TONS of beautiful cards - especially from the girls, & a blown glass globe (of which I collect and didn't have this size).

That evening continued the festivities at our wonderful friends' house! We had such a great time, fun, food, dancing, and the best company!! A fulfilling day of celebrating love... family... friendship... but this time (it's weird to write...) ME!!!

Thank you Babe for a wonderful day... you always spoil me!!

HAPPY FEBRUARY... HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY!!
A special day to me to say thank you all for your love and support to me!