There SHE IS!!!....oops Nope... maybe not... but just for a bit - she was there!

Well it's pretty easy to be angry at oneself, to be down, to be sad. Why isn't it easy to accept, deal, and move on? I wonder? Being patient is also a really hard concept for me... especially when I feel like I should be totally ready to get back in to the swing of things NOW!

So after the last post - I got to thinking that baby steps and goals really were helping! My DEAR Mr Safety Man & I went out to the movies...very impromtu which I loved! First date night since my surgery! Ahhhhhhhhhh I started to see a glimmer of me right then and there! It felt so nice to be out...sure sitting was excruciating - but WELL worth it. Then while I was with a wonderful friend accompanying her to Tampa (an excursion outta this house again! YAY!), my dear Mr Safety Man decided to surprise me and get all the lights on the house, new wonderful snowmen lights lined my walkway we labored on a few summers ago, and I just got so excited. WOW - it was an emotion that I hadn't felt for awhile. And it. felt. good. It got me to thinking.

"i can do this... i can decorate, i can help get the house back in to some kind of semblance of order, i can help dear mr safetyman with the girls lunches, i can glaze these darling foot and hand impressions for my small little company, i can help friends, i can do small areas of my house, i can even try to push things with my legs, or bend to pick that item on the floor up, and even go off my medication...."

~~ SCREECH ~~

(that's me putting on the brakes)

I think that I may have gone a bit over the top there... but that's me... always trying to push too hard - overachiever my hubby says. And well - yep - it happened I went too far and now I feel everything... and I mean every single ache. I tell my dear S. man that I think sometimes I can feel where every single screw is in my back... all eight of them. Gross.

It's hard for people looking at me... they cannot tell how bad things hurt (and I don't want them to know...). I had visual cues at first... bandages, walker, wheelchair, and now I don't need my walker - I graduated last week from it! YAY! My incisions have long been healed. I only need the wheelchair if i am going to have to do a lot of walking around. The only thing truly that is visible now... is a slight limp, a slower gait, and some grimaces on my face here & there.

I do feel almost me again. One could catch a glimpse of the happy-go-lucky... eager to help... me the last two days. There's been more smiles than frowns or sorrow. More gleam and glitter in the eyes than tears... I just have felt brighter. Well until I WAY over did things and tonight proved to be a very difficult night. I am so tired but hurt too much to sleep. Sigh.

But boy-oh-boy doing those baby steps and setting goals... my house is starting to look a lot like it did WAYyyyyyyyyyyyyy before my back first started getting bad (that's over 5 years ago people!! WOWwwwwww!). I mean it's definitely got a long way to go... but I see progress.

Hmmm progress... I recently talked to my best friend in TX and she always has the right words... "Kymmie you're walking after a spinal surgery only hours after the surgery" "Kymmie you are picking up things 5lbs - whereas before you could not"... progress... gotta remember progress is a good thing and it's happening I only have to be PATIENT!!! (there's that dang word again)

This morning I called Mr S. Man to literally "talk me off the ledge"... I was teetering on edge of being completely engulfed in being overwhelmed about the state of the house, about my still having to take medication, about finishing glazing LOTS of feet and hands, about the girls, about our HECTIC schedule the next 2 weeks... you name it I blurted it all out to him.

Man I love that guy, his initial response was "your job right now is to not do anything... not to be overwhelmed, not to work on anything in the house...there's one exception and that's to heal". Say it with... "AAAAWwwww". I had to hear it - but I still wanted to do something... to keep the gleam and sliver of feeling like me again alive...

So he agreed on a compromise because I have these little goals... and it did honestly feel good to scour my kitchen (only waste high - no bending). And to get my living room back. And to tidy up the family room. And to decorate some areas. And to put some clothes away. And to glaze. And to sweep. And to clean up the bathroom. And to go to a Christmas party.

I think we get the idea... yep... I did wayyyyyy too much - especially today. I am a mess tonight. A dang mess and it was really DUMB...and now you know why my dear Mr Safety Man has to say the things he does to me... he knows me so well!

But my house is starting to look like my home again. My Christmas decorations are making me grin - from my icepack on the couch... and even if it were just a glimpse, a tiny little glimmer...

I found Kymmie in here again... I felt like a part of me was coming along just fine.

And heck - I proved I could lift a bit more than FIVE pounds!

Next post... some Utah vacation rememberances and photos! A HAPPY POST!

LACKADAISICAL... definition of Kymmie

Well I have to say that is EXACTLY the right term for me... I feel so badly... so lacking life, spirit, or zest the last few days! Heck I haven't even updated my blog or completely dressed since I have been home from Utah!!!

I have to say - traveling is very difficult. It truly is. And for me - I don't know what it is but going from the West to the East... it is more difficult! We had a FANTABULOUS vacation and I will post about that very soon! I am so excited to say that I have made some physical improvements... but as most people who know me know - it just isn't enough for me. I want to be better NOW!!! And being lackadaisical (OK I just love saying that word... it actually is lifting my spirits at I write it...say it with me my friends - LACK - A - DAI - SI - CAL!!!! See? FUN!) has been my norm the last few days. But I want to be so much more. I ask a lot of myself - this I know! I guess it is permissable since we didn't get home until after 1AM on Tuesday night. And then poor Boo got sick at school and was sent home yesterday and was home after throwing up last night... Oh boy! Plus a lot of sitting with a newly fused back - and not able to lie down in the plane, oh and add in there a 2 hour round trip to Provo before the plane ride... well it's becoming obvious to me why I hurt so badly right now. But man... can't something go right so I can get off my poor me/pity party and actually prove that I am starting to be more "me" again and am actually improving! I hope people can see that?!

Is it ok to allow myself some time to re-cupe? I think so... But honestly... I don't want to re-cupe anymore. I want to be absolutely fine. I am really finished with healing and waiting. I want to feel good enough to decorate - I AM in the holiday spirit... I DO want to do so much to get ready for Christmas... and yet... here it is... already December 3rd! I want to feel so fine that I can fix up my house, run errands again, help my friends who have helped me so much, fold laundry, DRIVE... heck ANYWHERE, and well - just be the normal (or well in my case... abnormal) Kymmie that I was before all my back issues.

Soooo to the wind with the lackadaisical attitude... I will start with baby steps! YES! That's what I will do...

Tomorrow I will glaze some adorable hand & foot prints which have helped me make some money towards a HUGE Christmas present for my family (I AM SO EXCITED ABOUT) and that is a great thing! Then it will be on to doing a little decorating of some of my FAVORITE things... like my garland I made 2 years ago... AND then on to making a new garland to go across the room from that one! So there are THREE things to get excited about... and if I am still feeling up to it - I will try to walk for a bit to see how I can do on that. Hmmmm that makes me feel better... some targets/goals. Something to look forward to - and yet something that will not make me feel overwhelmed. I like it.

And maybe... just maybe... I will get a little date night with my hubby tomorrow night. It's been WAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY, FARrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr too long! So... I guess it's ok to feel, acknowledge, and then carry on!!!

Fa... La... La-La...Laaaaaaaaaaaa... La-La...LA... LA!!!!