BACK UPDATE!

Ok - so my 12-week post-op visit to my neurosurgeon was the Tuesday that the kiddos went back to school after winter break (good planning on my part eh?!).

I will fully admit I was COMPLETELY and UTTERLY a nervous wreck the night before and next morning before the appointment. I felt that maybe I had screwed something up... after all I have been "over-doing things" for quite some time now! It's hard to sit around and "rest" when you're feeling so much better!!

All our prayers, all the resting, all the stress of healing, all my WONDERFUL Safety-Man's hard work, well it paid off!!! Thank you so much Lord. I cannot believe how far I've come in 3 months.

I AM OFFICIALLY FUSED!!! Yes! YES! YEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!! I am so excited! I had x-rays done (again) and this time they ASKED me to BEND! I got to bend legitimately... backwards and forwards! I will admit - it wasn't very comfortable. But I wasn't "cheating" so it felt GREAT! The x-rays showed that my L5-S1 vertebrae have fused.

THAT IS A GREAT THING MY FRIENDS!!!

I am still concerned about mobility & some residual pain. I still have quite a lot of physical therapy to do. I cannot go play tennis right away, or run as long as I used to (well at all right now)... however the possibility is there! I will give PT my very all. I will work hard to get these muscles toned, strong, and flexible. This I promise. And you can hold me to it!

I got home from the appointment excited, tired from the stress I have been putting on myself (and cold! It's been in the 30's/40's here). I think that is why - my back decided to hurt for the next 24 hours. And by hurt I mean an incredible HURT, once again debilitating! I was in so much pain. And to top things off - my right leg started it's nerve pain (let me tell you - it's not fun). It made me so frustrated, so angry. But as I laid there - trying not succomb to it (it won that round). I think that it was God's way of reminding me - that I am not out of the clear yet...that there is a lot of work, rest, and TLC that I need to continue. I want to progress not regress. I will heed this example. I will take care of myself. Again... this I promise to myself, my family, and my friends. We all want a whole Kymmie back. It's just not fun otherwise.

For now... I am just so excited that I am officially being called NORMAL - ok well close enough(no comments from the peanut gallery there... hahahaha)! I have been released to take things slowly and I do not need to see my WONDERFUL, AWESOME, neurosurgeon until July (unless things do not continue to progress... which they will... so SEE YA in JULY Dr. S!!!)!!!

Things are looking up...

Now it's back to the daily grind... the things that I actually did miss believe it or not... (chores, helping with homework, doing the laundry...) yeah well I am sure it will get old VERY fast... but hey - at least my dear Safety-Man is happy "Kymmie's" back now!!!

I will post the x-rays of the progression of my spinal fusion - (the most recent -showing full fusion- is still in Safety-Man's car) in another post! It is pretty neat to see the changes!!!

THANK YOU ONCE AGAIN to all my family and friends who have helped me progress to this point. I cannot thank you enough. I wouldn't be where I am now - if it were not for you guys. I am so blessed to be able to heal the way I did and also to have such a phenominal support system.

YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!! KYMMIE'S BACK!!!!

I am working on getting 100% - but am feeling over the top!!!

Like I said... as normal as I can actually be...

I want to be pain free...

I am getting down again. I hate that. I think I am doing well and then it hits. I guess the "down-ness" never really leaves. I just think I am handling it better but maybe not. I get just feeling so alone and isolated. I love my family - more than anyone will ever know, I love my friends so much - I care for them so deeply... yet I just feel I hinder everyone else.

This morning I had a tough time standing at the bus stop. I am so tired of hurting just standing for 10 minutes or even 5 minutes. I mean what is that? It's crap... that is what it is. People must get so tired of me - I try not to complain - but it hurts and sometimes they can see how I feel. I hide how bad it is mostly. It's bad though - all the time. Poor Mr Safety Man - he hears the brunt of it. But this AM - after I stayed on the couch (after the bus stop) for a few minutes I couldn't walk. I stood up and just about screamed. Which FREAKED out my little baby Boo - which in turn made me feel WORSE. It brought me right back to the times when I absolutely could not walk. It's scary.... no one knows a person's pain. No one cannot relate - only to what they have gone through but no one knows how you feel totally. Perhaps that is where they isolation comes from. They can have sympathy/ compassion... but...

I don't know. I hate feeling like this. I am usually a very happy person. A loving, caring person (I like to think) - and yet I am just stuck in this painful (literally) state.

I pray that God watches over me for this surgery. I truly know in my heart we have made the right decision. I have had such yucky dreams about the surgery, doubtful thoughts (man I don't even want to write it... but I am working through this so I need to...) about paralyzation or even complications... gulp. I don't want to dwell on these. Because I have FAITH that God will be there and guide these surgeons. But they are there lurking and ALWAYS seem to come to the surface. It's this doubt and WAITING that's absolutely gotten me down.

I wonder what it will be like to be pain free?!? It's been YEARS... but I am waiting patiently (ok maybe not so patiently) and I know I have learned a lot - I am sure will be another post - because I am still trying to figure out what I have learned.

Pain free... sigh...

Why am i still up?

hmmm time clicks... it is late... but I cannot go to sleep. Why? Not sure. I have to say that part of it is that I love the quiet and "me time" when everyone else is asleep... but it also makes me so "not me" the next morning. I have gotten stuck in a rut of not sleeping as I should and sleeping in a bit too much.

Could part of it be a bit of self-loathing, unhappiness, stress, or what's the word for "escapeness"? Or could it also be because if I fall asleep - I know that tomorrow will be THAT much harder to wake up. Pain stinks. Pain really stinks. My back. Always my back. I truly hate my back right now. It's ugly with 2 scars and possibly a third one soon, but mostly it is the scars that no one sees... that I don't share with anyone, how scared I am of not being able to walk again (i've been there... done that). Too many scars to list...

When I wake up - I don't bounce... I drag, slide, sometimes crawl... It's awful. It's my nemesis-this pain. It makes me sad and makes me want to scream, yet is ALWAYS there. But at least MY pain makes me realize I am still alive... I am still here. I think back to when my pain all began - it was worse... I guess if one can quantify pain that way. All I could do with two tiny babies, no true friends close-by, and not being able to walk -literally... was just lie on the floor... play on the floor, watch tv or read on the floor... and be angry. But I think also I got to really be "there" on the kiddos level... Pain stinks... but it also makes me realize how lucky I am - and really... what do I have to complain about??

Other people have so much in their lives going on... I hate to complain or even mention my back. But you do have to have an outlet right?! I know my hubby gets sick of hearing me tell him what the latest is going on today. I mean I can walk (albeit sometimes with an ugly limp or hunched over) but mostly normal. I don't cry about it (heck - don't cry about most things - unless it's late... and it's "me time" and even then I have a hard time).

But I have to say... it's gotten me down lately. Did I make the right decision on waiting to have surgery, waiting to see truly if that's what I need to do. Should I have just bit the bullet and done the big, scary surgery. SHOULD I even do ANY surgery. I mean, it's not on an emergency basis (right now) like last summer's surgery was. Yet I need to do something. I am 36... not 80... Pain stinks... Pain is debilitating, what do I do??? Am I really doing things right by "taking things slow" this summer? Or am I just fooling myself and annoying all my loved ones, friends, family, the like... with all things relating to my back... and my stupid, yucky, always there, physical pain. It leads to some emotional pain too let me tell ya... stoooopid pain (said in my best homer simpson voice... which I don't watch so it's really funny to hear me even quote him).

Yes it's late, yes I am rambling, yes I am tired, yes I am in pain... severe pain tonight - 2 "heavy meds" at once pain (never really have done that), yes I can beat this... I must - not for me but my family. But why so much pain that comes when IT wants to come... and never quite goes away? Why does it constantly make me want to cry - but I can't. I feel a bit lost... I feel a bit down... I feel very alone. I feel nobody can understand. But EVERYONE can understand pain - they each have theirs.

My wonderful mentor and dear, dear friend has 2 life changing diseases... Interstitial cystitis (IC ) (which we thought Boo might have (or may have) http://marrinersmusings.blogspot.com/2009/02/what-we-would-do-for-our-kids-if-we.html) and fibromyalgia. Yet she smiles, and comes and visits, rides on the boat, hugs me, gives me advice, loves me, and truly inspires me. I want to be like her. I want to grab life by the reins and say "I can do this" - in my meek voice. I might be down and in pain - but I won't let it stop me from being me... but today I can't. I can't sleep. I can't walk. I can't be me... not today.

I leave this musing - as mixed-up and not readable as it is (like I said -it's VERY late) - with a prayer...

Lord, my God, please be with those that I love who are suffering from one form of pain or another. My inflictions pale in comparison to many I love, many I care for... why do I wrap my soul, O Lord, in self-doubt, in my pain? My iniquities shame me. My pain blinds me from seeing life right in front of me. O God, my God thank You for the blessings that You give me each and every day. Let me see joy and not the darkness that veils my eyes. Help me to strive to be better and have faith that You, God, abides. That You will help me through this pain... help me be me again. That You will be with my friends & family that need You... just as much as I need You.... Thank You Lord. amen