Everybody has an opinion...

...the question is when do I listen and when do I learn to block some out or just let them roll off me? I have gotten SOoooooooo many people's opinion about my back and my upcoming (gulp) surgery...what I should do, how I should do it, when or not to do it etc.

So yes this post is devoted ONCE again to my darn back and it's issues (I'm getting bored with this topic...dunno 'bout you?!). Many of the people that give opinions are family and friends that I care so much about and VALUE their opinions. I try to take what I can from them, either learning more, finding out I need to do more research, or putting it in my thought bank to come and discuss it with my awesome, loving, sounding board of a hubby. And BOY have I really come to him A LOT about this. He truly is the opinion that matters the most to me... I want him to see me healthy. I want him to really know how happy I am - where we are...

It's so hard to hear EVERYBODY and what they think - especially when I get people who barely know what is going on, they don't know the pain I have (as I sit here typing this half standing/half sitting because I hurt SO bad tonight), they just want to throw their thoughts in... maybe to get heard, maybe because they only think a certain way, - or maybe they do truly care. But I got bombarded with some comments earlier and WOW... I just got all stressed & second guessing our decision... one we have not taken lightly, one we, as a unit, my wonderful mr sounding board & I, have discussed for MONTHS... not days my friends, MONTHS & MONTHS.

A light example~

"well is he the best surgeon you could possibly have? You need to check EVERYONE and only let someone "cut you open" (yeah I love that line when I am looking at doing it in only a few short days - like i'm not scared enough with hearing CUT you OPEN...) that is experienced.

or
it's your back... "(Really? It is? It's my back and my body?).


Or there's this one:
"why would he put the metal in the front? are you sure that is the best place? maybe you should see how many he's done?!! (Nah... he's a newby - why not?!)
you should try to exhaust all your other options.... (Oh come on... seriously?! Really?! - do they honestly think that I haven't done EVERYTHING I could have??).

Here's a recent good one:
will it rust?! (I cannot even COMMENT on this one).

And the best comment ever...

are you sure you want to do this?! (NOOOOOoooooooooooo!!!! But do I have any other choice?)

Man it was rough to hear some things. But I guess I need to hear them. I need to be sure, convinced that I am doing the right thing. That I am truly ready to be done with a disfunctional back, done with pain and ready for the hard road to recovery. We've done everything we can, researched EVERY option available, and I would just end up here eventually. I am scared. Sure I would be dumb and kidding myself if I didn't admit to that. Maybe I should think about that and really focus on getting that feeling unraveled... but right now I am miffed. Miffed that I feel I am second guessing myself from other opinions that were forced on me.

(second edit - i had to make sure I didn't post right away - that i vented some feelings - and then reeled some in...that way i could actually feel ok by posting! hehehehe)

Musing on dumb opinions...

First Day of School... and all is well!

HOLY COW! We made it... it was a bit crazy after our vacation to BOOM! just start school one day later... but we did it! And I am happy to say we were able to iron out out who gets what for uniforms/supplies (ouch those both cost a bundle this year), but also a GREAT schedule that works for everyone.

I really wanted to get this schedule nailed down (minus the extracurricular activities that happen weekly) so that the girls could start from the get-go, a very structured day. In this way they would know what is expected of them and what they needed to get done. Last year was a little too chaotic for me. On top of everything else - I will be having spinal surgery this Fall and I wanted Daddy to have something that he can rely upon - to help him get through the days that I am recovering... Anything to make the entire "school process" go easier on us all.

The family theme for the year really seemed to excite the girls and Daddy - and seems to be working rather well (so far!!)!! At one point Ky didn't really seem to be listening to something at dinner and a gentle reminder that we are Listening and Following with our Hearts seemed to bring her right back and focus. Now don't get me wrong... I still had repeat things a few times, and there were constant questions... "What's next on the schedule (to-do) list?" - which cracked me up! BUT at least they were really feeling involved in the planning and participating in the execution of our family plan! So neat to watch them become a bit more independent each day.

Morning before 1st day of school!

Walking the girls to their classes

We dropped the girls off at their classrooms and they were a bundle of nerves and excitement. Boo's teacher was the same from last year and same class - so she really felt right at home. Ky's 4th grade was ALL new and she was a bit anxious - but really determined this was going to be a fun, exciting year. She is thrilled to have so many of her friends in this class!! I think it was harder on Momma seeing them off (as usual) but I got through it and had the support of Daddy there with me - so that was good!

Ky going in to her new FOURTH grade class!

Boo going in to her FIRST grade class!

Watching them come home and get off the bus was just so rewarding. Two girls were just ALL smiles and happy to see Mommy and Daddy... it was so sweet. They both just started talking ALL about their day. Ky's comment on her teacher... "she is the best teacher ever"!!!. So sweet!! I am so relieved to have my girls in such a FANTASTIC elementary school and that they have such wonderful teachers and great support from friends!!!

Boo has "Buchu Bunny" to help her ride the bus... happy to be home!

Ky...such a big girl now... sigh!

One day down... how many to go?

School musing...it can't be time for this already can it?

What a wonderful journey it's been... (2nd edit)

WOW is school really starting tomorrow... ?

I started my evening quiet time with a prayer, which led to tears, which lead to my soul singing and crying at the same time. I cannot believe how big my baby girls have grown. I cannot believe our "calm" and fun summer has come to a close. I cannot believe that they start school - one a FOURTH (Oh my good gracious is that really true? FOURTH grade?) and my baby in FIRST grade... how is this possible? We had such a great summer.

I am going on record to say... I LOVE SUMMERS. Well we all do right? Well I love summers because I get to spend the entire summer with my girls. I just want to keep them close and do LOTS of fun things together...I don't understand parents who "can't wait to get rid of their kids" - those thoughts just never really pass thru my mind! And for the most part this summer I think we did do fun things together and have a GREAT summer. I hope that my girls treasured their summer as much as I have.

During this quiet time tonight - as I was praying and trying to get a grip on tomorrow... I prayed so hard that the girls DID have a wonderful summer and that we made many, happy memories together... I know some of mine. But I also remember some of my not-so-great Momma moments... Sigh... I truly hope that they don't remember these times of short-tempered, or hurting days (that slowed down our summer) that I remember. I prayed thankfulness that the good days surpassed the bad. I hope they didn't mind too too much that this summer Momma had to take it easy... I truly hope.

Now school starts tomorrow and I will be alone in the house for the first time in quite awhile... I have specifically left things to do from our recent vacation. So that should help keep me occupied. I think I will also get lost in a good book for awhile.

We started tonight off with making a list of the daily activities so there was no confusion and I am to write up the family schedule ASAP and get it posted. I also decided that our family needed a theme for the year an idea that I recently read about in a wonderful blog I follow by a woman that just adores her family. I definitely will get back to her & her amazing attitude in a later blog (thank you Nie!) - but something just clicked while reading her blog and I knew... our family needed a theme as well...Something to concentrate upon... something to keep our family focused this year and not so chaotic... so I borrowed her idea and now...we have something that would keep our hearts and minds focused on what matters the most to us, God and our family.

I came up with:

Be Prepared

Listen and Follow with Your Heart

It's really quite simple... we wrote down our family thoughts on what it meant... they all were my favorite. Littlest Boo responded "it means to follow Jesus of course"... yes angel - you are more right than you know! Sooo I need to take my own advice. I need to be prepared for tomorrow. I need to be prepared mentally and physically. I am leaving my anxieties to the Lord (and with help from my good friends lol) and I am listening to my heart and allowing it to mourn the ending of one phase... but feel I am lead to rejoice in this new stage. There are most definitely anxieties wrapped up in a closing of one year to another. I will feel these different emotions listening and following my heart - but I will also move past them and try to take the wonderful new year for what it is.... more growing with my children - new phases and new discoveries. I will LISTEN with my heart to my girls... taking in every moment.

This week brings changes and they are all not good ones- and I think that's where I am anxious. Having our wonderful vacay at the end of the summer was fantastic - but bittersweet as well. Too soon the week was over and my parents/brother flew back to UT...too soon the fun and relaxtion was stopped and now my girls are going and I will make some TOUGH health decisions and choices this week.

Cast your anxieties upon the Lord!!

It's been a good - no great summer! But hopefully it will be a great school year as well!! I pray to be strong for the girls tomorrow and only boohoo when they cannot see me! (And I am not a crier!).

Thank you for the memories mes filles... it was a fantastic summer.

my girls are my muses tonight...

TRAVEL TRAVEL TRAVELING!!

Oh the excitement... the anticipation... the joy at the preparation (NOT!!!! Come on my friends are you kidding me? I HATE the prep...) - HOWEVER - I do like the trip (albeit tiring) and just the fun of traveling.

We have done this wonderful trek to Garden City, SC (south of Myrtle Beach) since I was about FOUR or FIVE years old... 31-ish years!!! WHAT a tradition! This is something that as a little girl I would look forward to alllll year long. We would take that long trip down from VT/NH... And it was so easy to pack then - I just needed music, books, and whatever else in my carry-on but now... BOY do I know what my mom must have gone through - now that I am doing it!

Ahhh the tradition continues with the Marriners now... MY FAMILY! My parents fly in from UT and we travel all together. It's fun to catch up and visit before we leave. I really miss them -we're a very close knit family! Then we get up at an incredibly AWFUL (early) hour in the AM and travel 10ish hours north. My girls have been going since they were born and it creates such memories... Now I view the anticipation in their faces. I hear how they speak of it... And it reminds me of the innocence and just fun of vacation and traveling!!

Just tonight little Boo asks me "Momma are you excited for the beach (always how we refer to our vacation). And I could unequivocately answer YES!! Everything was packed and ready to go and now the excitement to get outta dodge and just go relax at a house, right on the beach, TRAVELING to a new, yet familiar place is just AWESOME!

I dislike the preps for traveling. I get nervous and stressed a bit (Chris would say A LOT more than a bit). However - I love to go places, I love to do new things, I love to see new places, eat and drink in the culture...

But right now - I love going to "the beach". I love being with friends & family. I love that we go EVERY year and I have only missed going twice (1st - 16yrs old - I was in Zimbabwe, Africa on a mission trip & 2nd I had just had my 2nd baby girl and she was only 2 weeks old). I even went 3 days after my surgery on my back last summer!!!

Our family loves "the beach". It's true. The travling, the fun, the excitement, it is alll part of vacation!!!!

This is a bit choppy and rambling... but I just am excited and wanted to write a little about our TRAVELING!!! It's been a wonderful summer... but we need our VACATION finally!

musing on travels... my mind wanders on allll the other places i want to go sometime soon....

Snuggles...

I just love this word. I love how it makes me feel. I love snuggling. I love how my kids love snuggling.

Snuggles. or as Boo says it ... Snawguls.

"Momma snawguls?" Every night before the girls go to sleep. Even my Kyky asks still. I love it. I love lying down next to them and putting my arm around them. They shift... they turn towards me or scoot closer to me. They move their little heads like kittens towards their Momma. Finding that just comfy place.... and then...

We soul sigh. Mommy and child fitting together like a perfect piece of a puzzle. Mommy and child - a bond that will never cease or break or bend. It's always there... always waiting for that next snuggle. It's a gift from God. I truly feel so close to my girls when we snuggle together. And those precious moments in time are when my girls really open up to me. They share everything during "snuggle time": expectations, sadness, boldness, gossip (as much as a 5 and 9 yr old gossip - and we don't condone gossip... but it's so darn cute to hear classroom dramas), hopes, dreams, happiness, and fear. But mostly snuggle time is thanking God for our blessings, and sharing our love. It's so awe-some - in the true sense of the word. Just snuggling... just wonderful.

I read recently a comment on a recent blog that poo-pooed the word snuggle. "Don't you hate that word?". Like it meant something so x-rated, something evil or bad. I just don't get it. Snuggling is something so pure in our family. Heck I look fwd to when my mom comes tomorrow so I can sit next to her and just snuggle against her. So I can get close to my dad and just snuggle up in one of his great bear hugs... SNUGGGGGGGGGGGGGLING. It's the best form of loving I can imagine.

When I read to my little ones... I just feel this calmness come over me when they get close to me and snuggle up to me. If they don't come and get close I feel something is not right and it's hard to concentrate on reading. I think that my love of snuggling is a gift... I learned it from such fantastic, loving, blessed, family members... I just hope that I can continue to share it with my loved ones for a long, long, LONG time to come... there is nothing greater than sitting with your grandma and snuggling up for one of her tales...

Can I please do that in the years to come?

Snawguls.

It's just what we do.

We are snugglers and I have two of the greatest snugglers in the whole wide world!

How can you go wrong with snuggling? I wonder where my girls learned it from? Geeeee I wonder?? Now THAT'S a good legacy I think...

Musing on getting some snawguls from my girls tonight before I finally rest this weary head...

Be Again...

I will dance again...

I will be normal again...

I will be free again...

I will have peace again...

I will move gracefully again...

I will laugh again...

I will play HARD & with passion again...

I will be... again...

I will be me again...

Smells...

Ahhh smells! It's funny I am thinking about this (at 1:26am) but smells really play a huge part in life...

Smells can totally make or break a day or a moment. When you smell something good - it can remind you of something in the past...or bring you to a particular moment or place in time. They can help enhance taste (or even ruin taste). Smells can be positive or negative... but really I would be so lost without my sense of smell. And I know personally a few people who really don't have "smelling" rights... yep doesn't work... WOW - I would be so lost.

I got thinking about my Nain's (maternal g-ma's) house (which was one of my MOST, special places on Earth to be) and that certain smell she had in her house. Aaaaaaaaaaa... it was intoxicating to my senses. To me... it always smelled like home, a refuge. It was ALWAYS the same. I remember being so stressed out and just sitting there breathing in and out through my nose at her house and it just calmed me. Sometimes I get a mild drift of that smell (even though I haven't been there since we had to clean it out and sell it) and I know she is with me... watching over me... guiding and helping me. Call me crazy my friends... call me crazy but it is true. Her house had that je ne sais quoi... but it's a special smell. And there are times where I go to her closed bookshelf I have the honour of having and open the door and just BREATHE DEEEEeeep... it's about as close to her as I can get and the unique aroma just emerges from it. Yes... I inhale the old books, the shelves themselves... and yes my friends, I stand there taking that nostalgic essence in...Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

I started thinking of smells tonight... as I sat here by my new 'Scentsy'. It is this wonderful little pièce d'art that uses a light bulb (no flames people... chilluns in the house) and some soft, totally AWESOME, smelly (in a good way) wax!! Right now - I have I think Home Sweet Home going (been going on one block for DAYS now)... it reminds me of apples and spices... YUM!! I think I will try the Clean Breeze next... there is nothing better than the smell of LAUNDRY... clean laundry or maybe I should say detergent that is! It just eases the nerves and when I walk in to my house I look fwd to the wonderful aroma that awaits my tender nostrils...that tease and relax my olfactory system... heck my whole body! There is definitely something to be said for aroma therapy! And it really dawned on me today - I am super sensitive to all kinds of scents. And I am super glad - because they never let me down... either they warn me or they help me explore and enjoy so many wonderful things that God puts in my path of life!

Musings on essence...

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa sniff...sniff