I want to be pain free...

I am getting down again. I hate that. I think I am doing well and then it hits. I guess the "down-ness" never really leaves. I just think I am handling it better but maybe not. I get just feeling so alone and isolated. I love my family - more than anyone will ever know, I love my friends so much - I care for them so deeply... yet I just feel I hinder everyone else.

This morning I had a tough time standing at the bus stop. I am so tired of hurting just standing for 10 minutes or even 5 minutes. I mean what is that? It's crap... that is what it is. People must get so tired of me - I try not to complain - but it hurts and sometimes they can see how I feel. I hide how bad it is mostly. It's bad though - all the time. Poor Mr Safety Man - he hears the brunt of it. But this AM - after I stayed on the couch (after the bus stop) for a few minutes I couldn't walk. I stood up and just about screamed. Which FREAKED out my little baby Boo - which in turn made me feel WORSE. It brought me right back to the times when I absolutely could not walk. It's scary.... no one knows a person's pain. No one cannot relate - only to what they have gone through but no one knows how you feel totally. Perhaps that is where they isolation comes from. They can have sympathy/ compassion... but...

I don't know. I hate feeling like this. I am usually a very happy person. A loving, caring person (I like to think) - and yet I am just stuck in this painful (literally) state.

I pray that God watches over me for this surgery. I truly know in my heart we have made the right decision. I have had such yucky dreams about the surgery, doubtful thoughts (man I don't even want to write it... but I am working through this so I need to...) about paralyzation or even complications... gulp. I don't want to dwell on these. Because I have FAITH that God will be there and guide these surgeons. But they are there lurking and ALWAYS seem to come to the surface. It's this doubt and WAITING that's absolutely gotten me down.

I wonder what it will be like to be pain free?!? It's been YEARS... but I am waiting patiently (ok maybe not so patiently) and I know I have learned a lot - I am sure will be another post - because I am still trying to figure out what I have learned.

Pain free... sigh...