There SHE IS!!!....oops Nope... maybe not... but just for a bit - she was there!

Well it's pretty easy to be angry at oneself, to be down, to be sad. Why isn't it easy to accept, deal, and move on? I wonder? Being patient is also a really hard concept for me... especially when I feel like I should be totally ready to get back in to the swing of things NOW!

So after the last post - I got to thinking that baby steps and goals really were helping! My DEAR Mr Safety Man & I went out to the movies...very impromtu which I loved! First date night since my surgery! Ahhhhhhhhhh I started to see a glimmer of me right then and there! It felt so nice to be out...sure sitting was excruciating - but WELL worth it. Then while I was with a wonderful friend accompanying her to Tampa (an excursion outta this house again! YAY!), my dear Mr Safety Man decided to surprise me and get all the lights on the house, new wonderful snowmen lights lined my walkway we labored on a few summers ago, and I just got so excited. WOW - it was an emotion that I hadn't felt for awhile. And it. felt. good. It got me to thinking.

"i can do this... i can decorate, i can help get the house back in to some kind of semblance of order, i can help dear mr safetyman with the girls lunches, i can glaze these darling foot and hand impressions for my small little company, i can help friends, i can do small areas of my house, i can even try to push things with my legs, or bend to pick that item on the floor up, and even go off my medication...."

~~ SCREECH ~~

(that's me putting on the brakes)

I think that I may have gone a bit over the top there... but that's me... always trying to push too hard - overachiever my hubby says. And well - yep - it happened I went too far and now I feel everything... and I mean every single ache. I tell my dear S. man that I think sometimes I can feel where every single screw is in my back... all eight of them. Gross.

It's hard for people looking at me... they cannot tell how bad things hurt (and I don't want them to know...). I had visual cues at first... bandages, walker, wheelchair, and now I don't need my walker - I graduated last week from it! YAY! My incisions have long been healed. I only need the wheelchair if i am going to have to do a lot of walking around. The only thing truly that is visible now... is a slight limp, a slower gait, and some grimaces on my face here & there.

I do feel almost me again. One could catch a glimpse of the happy-go-lucky... eager to help... me the last two days. There's been more smiles than frowns or sorrow. More gleam and glitter in the eyes than tears... I just have felt brighter. Well until I WAY over did things and tonight proved to be a very difficult night. I am so tired but hurt too much to sleep. Sigh.

But boy-oh-boy doing those baby steps and setting goals... my house is starting to look a lot like it did WAYyyyyyyyyyyyyy before my back first started getting bad (that's over 5 years ago people!! WOWwwwwww!). I mean it's definitely got a long way to go... but I see progress.

Hmmm progress... I recently talked to my best friend in TX and she always has the right words... "Kymmie you're walking after a spinal surgery only hours after the surgery" "Kymmie you are picking up things 5lbs - whereas before you could not"... progress... gotta remember progress is a good thing and it's happening I only have to be PATIENT!!! (there's that dang word again)

This morning I called Mr S. Man to literally "talk me off the ledge"... I was teetering on edge of being completely engulfed in being overwhelmed about the state of the house, about my still having to take medication, about finishing glazing LOTS of feet and hands, about the girls, about our HECTIC schedule the next 2 weeks... you name it I blurted it all out to him.

Man I love that guy, his initial response was "your job right now is to not do anything... not to be overwhelmed, not to work on anything in the house...there's one exception and that's to heal". Say it with... "AAAAWwwww". I had to hear it - but I still wanted to do something... to keep the gleam and sliver of feeling like me again alive...

So he agreed on a compromise because I have these little goals... and it did honestly feel good to scour my kitchen (only waste high - no bending). And to get my living room back. And to tidy up the family room. And to decorate some areas. And to put some clothes away. And to glaze. And to sweep. And to clean up the bathroom. And to go to a Christmas party.

I think we get the idea... yep... I did wayyyyyy too much - especially today. I am a mess tonight. A dang mess and it was really DUMB...and now you know why my dear Mr Safety Man has to say the things he does to me... he knows me so well!

But my house is starting to look like my home again. My Christmas decorations are making me grin - from my icepack on the couch... and even if it were just a glimpse, a tiny little glimmer...

I found Kymmie in here again... I felt like a part of me was coming along just fine.

And heck - I proved I could lift a bit more than FIVE pounds!

Next post... some Utah vacation rememberances and photos! A HAPPY POST!