It's been TOO long...

WOW! Time has gone by. It has been a whirlwind. A true whirlwindy type of month. I meant to journal the week spent in Maine with Chris sans enfants, helping take care of San. And then... well life interrupted. My beautiful mother-in-law,

Sandra Woods Marriner

passed away at 8:56pm on a very special...beautiful day... her birthday, May 26th, 2010. She turned 72yrs old. Yes... her actual birthday. I truly feel it was a type of re-birth. She is with God now. No longer in need of the ailing, broken brain and body - she is born again anew to be with God in heaven and all those we love and miss that have gone before her. We will see her again. But we ache for the hurt we feel now. The emptiness. The sorrow and pain.

When there is less pain, and rawness... I will write about the experience. It is important to remember. It is important my girls remember their Gramma San. It is important for us to hold her close to our hearts and never forget the closeness we felt before her death.

We miss you Gramma San. I miss you Sandra...
I love you too.

Challenging

I sit here in San's room... it's dark... it's quiet except for her quiet hypnotic breathing and Amazing Grace CD on in the background. Candy's back - and we made San a promise tonight that she wouldn't be alone in her room. That one of us would be here. It was a hard evening of tears, things needing to be said, goodbye's of such, and preparation for San to find her peace.

It's been a challenging few days... truly. While Candy was gone my Safety Man and I took care of Sandra. She got up probably a total of 15-20 times in the afternoon. I helped her to the commode and off each and every time (I really, really miss my back brace), helped her with whatever she needed. I was awake from 9:30am and decided after watching my dear, poor hubby just wither with stress, sadness, remorse, depression, and exhaustion that he needed to sleep the entire night... yep - that meant an 'all-nighter' for me - for my shift. But I didn't tell him that. He needed the sleep. He needed to be able to detach for awhile.

Soooooo I didn't exactly lie - as he asked me to wake him... but I didn't exactly tell him I had already planned to let him sleep. I didn't even doze, nor drift off, nor nod... I just couldn't sleep. Watched 1 movie - The Ugly Truth it was ok for a no brainer movie. I listened to San, read, prayed, and thought.

I made it to 5:15ish AM... woke Mr Safety-Man and then San woke up so I helped him with her again until 6:30AM. Then crashed. Only to awake to the biggest headache i've had in months. A huge, tension migraine that had me tossing my cookies (but mostly my meds). So i slept...and slept - and prayed. Poor Mr Safety-Man- i didn't want him to have to worry 'bout me. But he did because he loves me.

A bit before dinner - San was at the table and & told us her mind was all garbled. She barely talks now. Candy told her it seemed her body was telling us 1 thing - but her head was holding on... We all 3 got her to bed, tucked her in, told her we loved her, that if she had to go we would be ok, told her there was a part of her in all of us (she replied "I hope all good parts"), she asked for her sister Auntie Jan. (She came much later for awhile and sat by her bedside chatting with us) We hugged San and loved her. We cried tears of sadness, but of happiness too. For her to rejoice to be with our Lord. We asked her to say hi to Grampa Doc, Nain, Mandy her pup, Kayla - Candy's pup. And she slept. I wanted MY girls to be able to tell her how much they love her... it is important to them and to her. I called them and told them to tell her just how much. Ky told her that she loves her to the moon, through the stars and universe and back again. I cried. BooBooBear told her that she loves her even more than horses!!!!! I cried again. They both love their Grandma San so much. And though she was mostly asleep - she heard - nodded - and told them each how much that she loves them too. I cried some more.

Then Candy read a poem to her from the book May I Walk You Home by Joyce Hutchinson and prayers by Joyce Rupp. I will write the words in another post...too hard write now.

She's gotten up twice with Candy. And now on my watch she's gotten up twice in a row (within 20 minutes of eachother) and just made movement to get up again. I pray she sleeps. She deserves some peace.

Safety-Man and I went down the street to grab a bite to bring back. I asked him if we could go visit Grampa Doc - I needed to talk to him. In the cemetary en route to the gravesite there were lavender lilacs. Nain and my favorites. I asked SMan to stop and I picked a bunch. Nain is with me. We sat by Grampa Doc's grave overlooking the ocean. We spoke to him in our heads. It is time. It is time. I pray they walk San home. Nain on one side, Grampa Doc on the other and the pups alllll around her.

She isn't doing well tonight. Restless. The second time she got up...I was helping her back to bed and I asked her to hold on to me to shuffle back around. And she clung to me and patted me and hugged me. I found peace in that moment.

Arrival

So we arrived yesterday in the beautiful state of Maine. The trip was virtually uneventful...although I went to go put on my back brace (travelling still hurts my back rather badly) and got side-tracked. Well... apparently the blessed brace slipped and fell and got LEFT at the Tampa airport. I didn't figure it out until we almost got to Baltimore... I was instantly so stressed out... an almost $1000 piece of equipment that insurance would not pay for again... I was so angry with myself.

Luckily when we got to our gate in Baltimore we called and low and behold someone had turned it in right away (why they couldn't bring it down the ramp and say "HEY does this belong to someone?" I dunno).

His Mimi (maternal Grandma) and Auntie Jan (his mom's sister) stopped in when we first arrived. Mimi was quite lucid and talkative! She even remembered me this time (phew... that made it easier) - even scolded me on the phone a few days before we left -upset we hadn't visited her as promised before we went back to FL!

San is not doing well. She has gone quite downhill. She was catheterized on Thursday (and not happy about it). She is completely unaware of timing and gets up so often. She now has a hospital bed which is good. She is constantly trying to get up and go eat or go to the bathroom (even with the cath). Candy (Mr Safety-Man's sister) has been doing an incredible job with her. But it has drained her completely. Plus she has her 4-yr old son here as well. We have come to relieve some of the pressures. San's been getting up at least 10-12 times a night!

We are on 100% support system now. We decided to do shifts. I took first shift and stayed awake all day until 3am. I was going to try and do an all-nighter to let Candy and my Safety-man sleep - but just couldn't do it. He got up at 2:50am and I was starting to nod off. So he told me to go to bed and he stayed awake (or tried to) until San got up at 5am! YES! She stayed asleep the entire night! Candy got a better night sleep and I crashed until almost 9:30am.

Today Candy has gone with her hubby and son to have a family day/night. Her hubby is leaving for a few days to CT and she needed a big break and to stay in her own home. So far my Safety-Man and I have been doing ok with her. She's gotten up twice... she feels she has to go potty a lot and is losing sense of time. But we help her to the potty, I drain the cath, help her on the potty and off, and help her with her clothes. Then back to her room and tucked in...

It's incredibly difficult to have to do this for her... humbling, yet in a way it is very rewarding and I feel like I am doing something to give San/Mom/Grammy San peace. She loves us all so very much and have told us all that numerous times and gives big hugs and kisses to us all the time.

It's a hard week...but very fulfilling to be here.