Challenging

I sit here in San's room... it's dark... it's quiet except for her quiet hypnotic breathing and Amazing Grace CD on in the background. Candy's back - and we made San a promise tonight that she wouldn't be alone in her room. That one of us would be here. It was a hard evening of tears, things needing to be said, goodbye's of such, and preparation for San to find her peace.

It's been a challenging few days... truly. While Candy was gone my Safety Man and I took care of Sandra. She got up probably a total of 15-20 times in the afternoon. I helped her to the commode and off each and every time (I really, really miss my back brace), helped her with whatever she needed. I was awake from 9:30am and decided after watching my dear, poor hubby just wither with stress, sadness, remorse, depression, and exhaustion that he needed to sleep the entire night... yep - that meant an 'all-nighter' for me - for my shift. But I didn't tell him that. He needed the sleep. He needed to be able to detach for awhile.

Soooooo I didn't exactly lie - as he asked me to wake him... but I didn't exactly tell him I had already planned to let him sleep. I didn't even doze, nor drift off, nor nod... I just couldn't sleep. Watched 1 movie - The Ugly Truth it was ok for a no brainer movie. I listened to San, read, prayed, and thought.

I made it to 5:15ish AM... woke Mr Safety-Man and then San woke up so I helped him with her again until 6:30AM. Then crashed. Only to awake to the biggest headache i've had in months. A huge, tension migraine that had me tossing my cookies (but mostly my meds). So i slept...and slept - and prayed. Poor Mr Safety-Man- i didn't want him to have to worry 'bout me. But he did because he loves me.

A bit before dinner - San was at the table and & told us her mind was all garbled. She barely talks now. Candy told her it seemed her body was telling us 1 thing - but her head was holding on... We all 3 got her to bed, tucked her in, told her we loved her, that if she had to go we would be ok, told her there was a part of her in all of us (she replied "I hope all good parts"), she asked for her sister Auntie Jan. (She came much later for awhile and sat by her bedside chatting with us) We hugged San and loved her. We cried tears of sadness, but of happiness too. For her to rejoice to be with our Lord. We asked her to say hi to Grampa Doc, Nain, Mandy her pup, Kayla - Candy's pup. And she slept. I wanted MY girls to be able to tell her how much they love her... it is important to them and to her. I called them and told them to tell her just how much. Ky told her that she loves her to the moon, through the stars and universe and back again. I cried. BooBooBear told her that she loves her even more than horses!!!!! I cried again. They both love their Grandma San so much. And though she was mostly asleep - she heard - nodded - and told them each how much that she loves them too. I cried some more.

Then Candy read a poem to her from the book May I Walk You Home by Joyce Hutchinson and prayers by Joyce Rupp. I will write the words in another post...too hard write now.

She's gotten up twice with Candy. And now on my watch she's gotten up twice in a row (within 20 minutes of eachother) and just made movement to get up again. I pray she sleeps. She deserves some peace.

Safety-Man and I went down the street to grab a bite to bring back. I asked him if we could go visit Grampa Doc - I needed to talk to him. In the cemetary en route to the gravesite there were lavender lilacs. Nain and my favorites. I asked SMan to stop and I picked a bunch. Nain is with me. We sat by Grampa Doc's grave overlooking the ocean. We spoke to him in our heads. It is time. It is time. I pray they walk San home. Nain on one side, Grampa Doc on the other and the pups alllll around her.

She isn't doing well tonight. Restless. The second time she got up...I was helping her back to bed and I asked her to hold on to me to shuffle back around. And she clung to me and patted me and hugged me. I found peace in that moment.