Challenging

I sit here in San's room... it's dark... it's quiet except for her quiet hypnotic breathing and Amazing Grace CD on in the background. Candy's back - and we made San a promise tonight that she wouldn't be alone in her room. That one of us would be here. It was a hard evening of tears, things needing to be said, goodbye's of such, and preparation for San to find her peace.

It's been a challenging few days... truly. While Candy was gone my Safety Man and I took care of Sandra. She got up probably a total of 15-20 times in the afternoon. I helped her to the commode and off each and every time (I really, really miss my back brace), helped her with whatever she needed. I was awake from 9:30am and decided after watching my dear, poor hubby just wither with stress, sadness, remorse, depression, and exhaustion that he needed to sleep the entire night... yep - that meant an 'all-nighter' for me - for my shift. But I didn't tell him that. He needed the sleep. He needed to be able to detach for awhile.

Soooooo I didn't exactly lie - as he asked me to wake him... but I didn't exactly tell him I had already planned to let him sleep. I didn't even doze, nor drift off, nor nod... I just couldn't sleep. Watched 1 movie - The Ugly Truth it was ok for a no brainer movie. I listened to San, read, prayed, and thought.

I made it to 5:15ish AM... woke Mr Safety-Man and then San woke up so I helped him with her again until 6:30AM. Then crashed. Only to awake to the biggest headache i've had in months. A huge, tension migraine that had me tossing my cookies (but mostly my meds). So i slept...and slept - and prayed. Poor Mr Safety-Man- i didn't want him to have to worry 'bout me. But he did because he loves me.

A bit before dinner - San was at the table and & told us her mind was all garbled. She barely talks now. Candy told her it seemed her body was telling us 1 thing - but her head was holding on... We all 3 got her to bed, tucked her in, told her we loved her, that if she had to go we would be ok, told her there was a part of her in all of us (she replied "I hope all good parts"), she asked for her sister Auntie Jan. (She came much later for awhile and sat by her bedside chatting with us) We hugged San and loved her. We cried tears of sadness, but of happiness too. For her to rejoice to be with our Lord. We asked her to say hi to Grampa Doc, Nain, Mandy her pup, Kayla - Candy's pup. And she slept. I wanted MY girls to be able to tell her how much they love her... it is important to them and to her. I called them and told them to tell her just how much. Ky told her that she loves her to the moon, through the stars and universe and back again. I cried. BooBooBear told her that she loves her even more than horses!!!!! I cried again. They both love their Grandma San so much. And though she was mostly asleep - she heard - nodded - and told them each how much that she loves them too. I cried some more.

Then Candy read a poem to her from the book May I Walk You Home by Joyce Hutchinson and prayers by Joyce Rupp. I will write the words in another post...too hard write now.

She's gotten up twice with Candy. And now on my watch she's gotten up twice in a row (within 20 minutes of eachother) and just made movement to get up again. I pray she sleeps. She deserves some peace.

Safety-Man and I went down the street to grab a bite to bring back. I asked him if we could go visit Grampa Doc - I needed to talk to him. In the cemetary en route to the gravesite there were lavender lilacs. Nain and my favorites. I asked SMan to stop and I picked a bunch. Nain is with me. We sat by Grampa Doc's grave overlooking the ocean. We spoke to him in our heads. It is time. It is time. I pray they walk San home. Nain on one side, Grampa Doc on the other and the pups alllll around her.

She isn't doing well tonight. Restless. The second time she got up...I was helping her back to bed and I asked her to hold on to me to shuffle back around. And she clung to me and patted me and hugged me. I found peace in that moment.

A Sign... A symbol... A precious cardinal

While we were at camp the second day. The girls and I were playing a fun game of Clue! One of my one and only favorite board games... (there was even a Mickey Mouse Tower of Terror Clue game at Fort Wilderness I wanted SOooo badly!!! I would love that one!). I digress... as usual - sorry!

As we were playing our game. I couldn't believe what fluttered in to view. A cardinal. A plump, red cardinal. This might not be that significant to anyone but me and my Dear Mr Safety-Man... but it truly IS incredible.

Cardinals have always been a special bird, a favorite of mine and also of my Nain's. I used to sit in my grandmother's (Nain) dining room, at her GIANT bay window and watch the birds at her big birdfeeder. It was always a thrill to see the cardinal. So unique. So vibrant. Just like I always thought of my Nain. The most amazing woman in the world.

She unfortunately passed away of a brain tumor. And it has seemed that through many trials and tribulations - I have seen glimpses of cardinals in the oddest places and times. It makes me feel like she is still with me... helping me through... well life.

So right now - we face losing Chris' mom to a darn brain tumor. I watched my Nain die - someone I treasure more than I could possibly explain - from the same. Now we deal with it again... And as we are trying to heal from the stress on our mini - vacation, at Fort Wilderness, I see a cardinal. Mr. Safety-Man and I exchange a non-verbal, all knowing look. Sighhhhhh and tears.

As my family and I watch the cardinal I was trying to take a photo of him... I cannot find him. I zoom out... zoom in... can't get the photo... The cardinal is going to go away... and then!

BOOM!

It flies right in to my zoomed view... like someone picked it up and kind of plopped it there. I wanted one more shot... again lost it. and...

BOOM!

Again it was "placed" in the shot.

My symbol. My faith. My sign... from our Heavenly Father and my Nain...

We will get through this.

Time... is not on my side...

Well it's late again... what was the time last post... oh yeah 3:45am... now it's 3:06am. I have done a lot of pondering these late hours over the last few days. It's been a hard week. But my pondering has been actually very informative. Thank goodness for the web and books! WOW! I've learned a bit about some friends & family news. Got to connect blogwise with my sister (love you!!). sigh... I really miss a lot of people! And part of missing people is because of lack of traveling. Lack of traveling is because well no rough stuff for this stinkin' back and right now pas d'argent. Poo. Can I say Merde even though it's naughty - it sounds better in another language oui?

Therefore this summer has been a slow summer... but a great summer! I am trying to "enjoy the journey not the destination". I haven't been able to do a lot of the fast-paced, death defying, crazy things I've done in past summers (again stinky). I was prescribed to take it easy, VERY easy, no lifting, carrying, running, jumping, standing too long, sitting too long, (you get the idea), no physical stresses to my body - means - well it means just that... so I have done a lot other things to make up for that (truth be told - i've done some naughty unprescribed things too but shhhhhhh don't read this small print)!

But alas back to point (it's late remember?), resting and being calm equals no travel (cue sigh again... right...about... now) so therefore I've been thinking a lot about France and missing it.

WOW! Did you read that??? SHOCKER below:
Do you know people... when I first moved to France I thought my life was over?! Yes you read that correctly! HELLO?! I was a SENIOR IN HIGHSCHOOL my friends...!!

Yet the most important lady in the entire universe (besides my mom of course - but she learned from this lady...) my NAIN (grandmother to all you non-Chase/Rider types) told me:

"Kymbi... someday you will look back and you will cherish that you were fortunate enough to live in France".

The young, silly and super-naive, blinded by first love, 18-yr old- me said: "No Nain I don't think so... please let me live with you". But she persisted that someday I would MISS FRANCE... and look... here it is... you saw the proof above!!! I MISS FRANCE. I miss the language, the smells, the antiquity, the laissez faire de les gens, Paris, Dijon... yep even a little bit of THE DREADED Chambon sur Lignon (insert the musical emphasis dah, dahhhh, dahmmmmmm!!), the history, the customs... yep I miss France.

France truly came on my mind more so today. I was fortunate to be accompanied by two very wonderful people to a French restaurant south of us in posh-Sarasota! My dear friend Amy along with her baby guy Jack-Jack (who gave me the cutest smile to which I saved it in my heart to help warm it - these late nights of blahs) told me about this place and asked me if I wanted to go (long, choppy sentence sorry). Well since I had been missing it - I couldn't get it outta my mind (or salivary glands)... so away we went. 1 word... YUM! And the company c'était formidable!!

But now the yearn pour l'échapper belle - the great escape... to see France with my girls has come. To show them where I lived. To show them things I learned. To show them how their mommy became changed - stronger, sure of herself, independent, versed in another whole belle language. To show them how she learned to love a country-so she can share it with them - even though she DID NOT set out to do so.

Maybe this summer... while not being able to be "adventurous" physically... I can be adventurous with my girls and start them learning French. (Maybe it can help me too - because OOH-LA-LA this femme's - well let's just say mon français est très rouillé). I can take a picture walk with them through my MANY albums and photos of the many times I spent all over in lovely France...

Musing of France... sigh...

Bisous bien sur...
PS: Will try to find some photos of the trip I took with Chris one winter and post a few... maybe it will also help to satisfy that j'ai le virus du voyage!!