Blue

The skies are certainly blue. I love being able to see it. The sun does help me warm up - I just wish my mood wasn't so blue. Why? Why do I feel the way I feel? It is frustrating and heartbreaking.

We had a WONDERFUL and I mean WONDERFUL Spring Break. I cannot wait to post photos! We were really in our element. It was SO good to be together as a family. I love our time together. I truly, truly do. 

Families are forever.

I believe that with all my heart.

It was so fun together. We had a TERRIFIC week!  But then it rained the last day. We had to leave a bit earlier - not my choice. And it hit...our wonderful Disney World passes that I didn't think were even obtainable when we actually got them - until they were in our hot little hands- are expiring at the end of this month. There is no renewing them... not this year. Not with the year we've had. It's too bad. I really love going to Disney World. I know how lucky we were to be able to get our annual passes. I love to see my little, sweet girls' faces when go on a ride or show they love. I love that my oldest (11yrs old) still lights up that Minney Mouse waved to her.."She looked right at me Mommy and WAVED!!!".  It's been such a blessing to help us get a through a really tough time. A time I am sorry to say that is never gone. It's always lurking in the shadows of my mind. I think I am doing better though. sometimes. Is it funny to say that going to Disney has helped?

But I guess I'm down for a variety of reasons. Only I can't shake them. I want to lie down and throw the covers over my head and not move. I feel things are not controllable - and that is hard for me. I see my Sweetpea and she is growing up fast - but still a little girl. She is trying so hard to figure out who she is... then it hits... She'll be in Middle School next year. And I don't want that. But I do. I don't want to lose my first born baby...not that I am losing her... but the "baby" I am. I pray that she will still be my sweet girl. But we know Middle school age stereotypes...don't we? I pray she will be like me and my mom were. I never thought my mom was "queer" (yes... it was the 80's y'all). I never was embarrassed to hug her in front of my friends. I was a bit unique I guess. But I adored (still do) my mom and dad. I just pray I have that with both my girls. They are such snuggle-y wonders to me. How did I receive such a gift - twice? Such blessings?

I am sad. Yes. I will work through it and try to be more "me". Yes. Remembering that what is important is right here with me and beside me... crawling in to bed with me the last few days, weeks, months - still to wipe away bad dreams and telling me that they love me. THAT is what will help me defeat these awful feelings.
Yes.

I will somehow triumph. yes.

Such is my life...

ACHOO!

Yes... with the warm weather our Live Oak outside dumps these little frilly, long, caterpillar-esque, "things". I really do not know what they are... I think they are after the leaves appear... but not sure what the heck they really do - except aggravate me and cause Mr Safety Man, Sweetpea and my chocolate lab "Moose" to whither with allergies. All I know is that when I go to pick them up, they fall in to minuscule brown dots.

ALL OVER MY FLOOR

And I also know that I just vacuumed my entire house - which didn't take me quite as long as I had it hyped up in my mind - but when I got back to the kitchen where I started (where my lil' Shih-Tzu, "Mugsy", tracked in SO many of these pesky "things") it didn't even look like I vacuumed.  Such. Is. My. Life.

Before this...last night as I am trying to get my kitchen cleaned - hurrying so I could finally say I got to bed at a decent hour - I pulled the refrigerator door closed like I always do... by the shelf. Only this time... the shelf had cracked somehow and as I had forgotten this point... the ENTIRE shelf came toppling out of the fridge. On to our tile floor. Smashing the glass jars - which I will have you know had olives, honey, and molasses in them. (We are in Florida people... you don't keep sticky sweet things in your cupboards). I was mad. Mad at myself, mad at breaking jars, mad at my fridge, mad for having tile M. A. D. -  mad!

Can I just say - Kalamata olives & honey on a floor do not smell nice at all - mixed with tons of glass - PRICELESS. And may I also mention that the juice of said olives ran under my fridge. OH GROSS. SOooooooooooo thank goodness Mr Safety Man was there and came running after he heard beautiful, flowerly words coming out of his darling wife's mouth. I am not sure if some of those words really exist quite honestly. I think I went in to outer orbit.  Such. Is. My. Life.

The up sides... I have twice now clean and vacuumed floors. AND my kitchen floor is clean, including UNDER the fridge and behind it (and that was disgusting - just sayin'). Do I care about the upside? NO! I am cranky... BECAUSSSssssssssssssssse I didn't get to bed as early as I had wanted....

Like i said - Such. Is. My. Life.