Challenging

I sit here in San's room... it's dark... it's quiet except for her quiet hypnotic breathing and Amazing Grace CD on in the background. Candy's back - and we made San a promise tonight that she wouldn't be alone in her room. That one of us would be here. It was a hard evening of tears, things needing to be said, goodbye's of such, and preparation for San to find her peace.

It's been a challenging few days... truly. While Candy was gone my Safety Man and I took care of Sandra. She got up probably a total of 15-20 times in the afternoon. I helped her to the commode and off each and every time (I really, really miss my back brace), helped her with whatever she needed. I was awake from 9:30am and decided after watching my dear, poor hubby just wither with stress, sadness, remorse, depression, and exhaustion that he needed to sleep the entire night... yep - that meant an 'all-nighter' for me - for my shift. But I didn't tell him that. He needed the sleep. He needed to be able to detach for awhile.

Soooooo I didn't exactly lie - as he asked me to wake him... but I didn't exactly tell him I had already planned to let him sleep. I didn't even doze, nor drift off, nor nod... I just couldn't sleep. Watched 1 movie - The Ugly Truth it was ok for a no brainer movie. I listened to San, read, prayed, and thought.

I made it to 5:15ish AM... woke Mr Safety-Man and then San woke up so I helped him with her again until 6:30AM. Then crashed. Only to awake to the biggest headache i've had in months. A huge, tension migraine that had me tossing my cookies (but mostly my meds). So i slept...and slept - and prayed. Poor Mr Safety-Man- i didn't want him to have to worry 'bout me. But he did because he loves me.

A bit before dinner - San was at the table and & told us her mind was all garbled. She barely talks now. Candy told her it seemed her body was telling us 1 thing - but her head was holding on... We all 3 got her to bed, tucked her in, told her we loved her, that if she had to go we would be ok, told her there was a part of her in all of us (she replied "I hope all good parts"), she asked for her sister Auntie Jan. (She came much later for awhile and sat by her bedside chatting with us) We hugged San and loved her. We cried tears of sadness, but of happiness too. For her to rejoice to be with our Lord. We asked her to say hi to Grampa Doc, Nain, Mandy her pup, Kayla - Candy's pup. And she slept. I wanted MY girls to be able to tell her how much they love her... it is important to them and to her. I called them and told them to tell her just how much. Ky told her that she loves her to the moon, through the stars and universe and back again. I cried. BooBooBear told her that she loves her even more than horses!!!!! I cried again. They both love their Grandma San so much. And though she was mostly asleep - she heard - nodded - and told them each how much that she loves them too. I cried some more.

Then Candy read a poem to her from the book May I Walk You Home by Joyce Hutchinson and prayers by Joyce Rupp. I will write the words in another post...too hard write now.

She's gotten up twice with Candy. And now on my watch she's gotten up twice in a row (within 20 minutes of eachother) and just made movement to get up again. I pray she sleeps. She deserves some peace.

Safety-Man and I went down the street to grab a bite to bring back. I asked him if we could go visit Grampa Doc - I needed to talk to him. In the cemetary en route to the gravesite there were lavender lilacs. Nain and my favorites. I asked SMan to stop and I picked a bunch. Nain is with me. We sat by Grampa Doc's grave overlooking the ocean. We spoke to him in our heads. It is time. It is time. I pray they walk San home. Nain on one side, Grampa Doc on the other and the pups alllll around her.

She isn't doing well tonight. Restless. The second time she got up...I was helping her back to bed and I asked her to hold on to me to shuffle back around. And she clung to me and patted me and hugged me. I found peace in that moment.

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Arrival

So we arrived yesterday in the beautiful state of Maine. The trip was virtually uneventful...although I went to go put on my back brace (travelling still hurts my back rather badly) and got side-tracked. Well... apparently the blessed brace slipped and fell and got LEFT at the Tampa airport. I didn't figure it out until we almost got to Baltimore... I was instantly so stressed out... an almost $1000 piece of equipment that insurance would not pay for again... I was so angry with myself.

Luckily when we got to our gate in Baltimore we called and low and behold someone had turned it in right away (why they couldn't bring it down the ramp and say "HEY does this belong to someone?" I dunno).

His Mimi (maternal Grandma) and Auntie Jan (his mom's sister) stopped in when we first arrived. Mimi was quite lucid and talkative! She even remembered me this time (phew... that made it easier) - even scolded me on the phone a few days before we left -upset we hadn't visited her as promised before we went back to FL!

San is not doing well. She has gone quite downhill. She was catheterized on Thursday (and not happy about it). She is completely unaware of timing and gets up so often. She now has a hospital bed which is good. She is constantly trying to get up and go eat or go to the bathroom (even with the cath). Candy (Mr Safety-Man's sister) has been doing an incredible job with her. But it has drained her completely. Plus she has her 4-yr old son here as well. We have come to relieve some of the pressures. San's been getting up at least 10-12 times a night!

We are on 100% support system now. We decided to do shifts. I took first shift and stayed awake all day until 3am. I was going to try and do an all-nighter to let Candy and my Safety-man sleep - but just couldn't do it. He got up at 2:50am and I was starting to nod off. So he told me to go to bed and he stayed awake (or tried to) until San got up at 5am! YES! She stayed asleep the entire night! Candy got a better night sleep and I crashed until almost 9:30am.

Today Candy has gone with her hubby and son to have a family day/night. Her hubby is leaving for a few days to CT and she needed a big break and to stay in her own home. So far my Safety-Man and I have been doing ok with her. She's gotten up twice... she feels she has to go potty a lot and is losing sense of time. But we help her to the potty, I drain the cath, help her on the potty and off, and help her with her clothes. Then back to her room and tucked in...

It's incredibly difficult to have to do this for her... humbling, yet in a way it is very rewarding and I feel like I am doing something to give San/Mom/Grammy San peace. She loves us all so very much and have told us all that numerous times and gives big hugs and kisses to us all the time.

It's a hard week...but very fulfilling to be here.

Hope

Mr Safety Man just said... "Hope is never gone... it just is a different kind of Hope"... words to remember as life will be changing for us in the next few days... I pray to the Heavenly Father that He watches over us and keeps us safe as we are separated from our children to go and be with my M-i-Law. I pray that He guides San home with peace, dignity, love and grace...




Hope...


It really never is gone... just accompanied by Faith and Love.

Busy weeks...

So I am super proud of my girls. It's been a crazy, busy two weeks with all the end of the year projects, concerts, field trips, and this year TWO theatrical plays! The girls have been going constantly since we got back from Maine. I am so proud of them however - their behavior has totally floored us!

The end of year activities certainly have taken their toll on how tired we all are - especially with worrying about Mr Safety-Man's mom. But all-in-all it has kept us EXTREMELY occupied and I think that is a SUPER thing right about now.

Last week was a really special week. The girls both decided that they wanted to audition for the Missoula Children's Theater group that was sponsored through our school and a middle school for the arts. How could we say no! I was so proud that they BOTH wanted to do this. There were about 75 children that tried out for parts in the play Pinocchio. The way these two 'directors' shifted, listened, tested, played with each child was really interesting to watch. One of Kyky's & Boo's best buddies & her sister were also trying out. My friend (their mom) and I had HIGH hopes!! The auditions were on Monday from 5-7pm and if they made a part then they immediately started to practice! They only rehearse for ONE week starting on that Monday and they would have TWO big shows on Saturday! UNBELIEVEABLE!! Needless to say ALL. FOUR. GIRLS. MADE. IT! Ky got the part of "street urchin #7", E. got the part of "paradise island kiddo", Boo-Boo & L. got the parts of toys...Baby dolls! SO sweet! They did such an awesome job. It was a LONG week... late practices -but they all learned their parts and we were all shocked with this huge play in only one short week!

I got to sit in the FRONT ROW for the first time ever and watch TWO fantastic performances alongside friends. The girl's principal and drama teacher came to one of the performances - boy were they proud and impressed (but not as much as their Momma!). Unfortunately Chris couldn't go as he was in Maine with his mom for mother's day! But we took loads of photos and video for Daddy Safety-Man. It was a super long Saturday and it was super worth it.

O Boy, O Boy, O Boy

mustard palette

I am getting so excited for this project... the material came in the mail on Monday afternoon... IT'S SOoooooooo gorgeous! The Patty Young fabric is so pretty and sweet! And everything upon first view looks like it wouldn't go... but when you really look - all the colors are just perfect! The mustard palette will be PERFECT for Boo's (Juliet) top (above) and the raspberry palette will be Ky's (Juliet corset) top. Now I am just trying to pick which fabric will go where (the top is very "patchworky" - yes I know that's not a word! hahaha).

raspberry palette

I started the pattern... when I opened it last night - I just started to laugh! WHAT DID I GET MYSELF into? Seriously! So I called my lifeline and said exactly that and "MOM... it's ALL GREEK...seriously!!!!". But I believe I am starting to comprehend what some of what it is saying. I still have no clue what CONTRAST such-in-such means... but hopefully by tonight I will get that too! I also just figured out which fabric is going to go with which piece on the dress. Now THAT was fun! Ky and I worked together on Boo's fabric so she got to tell me what she thought would be best etc... FUN FUN FUN!!! I think she likes helping out "design" the top. After all she chose the patterns (after I selected the designer)... and she chose the same ones I had thought would be PERFECT - (whew!)!

Here's the pattern pieces all cut out... holy smokes... it's still a bit Greek to me!!!

O Boy, O Boy, O Boy!! I am really excited about this project!

I better get cutting out the fabric...

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!!!

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!!!

To all my wonderful family mom's and friends whom are mom's...

Enjoy your special day!

YOU DESERVE IT!!!

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY TO YOU ALL!!!!

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Something to be excited about...

With all the stress and all the craziness over the last few weeks I figured out that I was not only down but wasn't really happy about anything. I mean don't get me wrong... I love my family to the moon & stars and back again... but I have just been doing MUNDANE things since we got back from Maine. I've been keeping busy, sure. And it's helped keep my mind occupied - for the most part. These chores and things I have had to do - have actually started to stress me out and have taken over my life.

Then I got to thinking... why am i so stressed? besides the obvious reason with Mr Safety-Man's mom so sick... why do i feel an overwhelming sense of no accomplishments, no highlights, no happiness. Heck it's been hard to even make myself get out of the house... BUT "I've been busy". Then it hit me... perhaps i feel this way because i am doing nothing with my creative outlet. And that always helps me maintain balance... especially in times of stress. It is an outpouring of emotion for me.

BOOM! I felt some of the weight release from my shoulders. I have been missing creating my jewelry- anything for that matter - out of clay, I have been missing making things. I miss sewing. I miss doing wonderful things for my girls. I miss being creative. It is not enough just to do chores, errands, cook, clean, etc.

I knitted a pillow for my MiL. I felt so good. I had a purpose. My girls wanted one to match their Grammy San's. What better tribute to their Grammy San. So while in Blue Hill, ME at her house - we got Alpaca wool yarn for them...I started one for Ky and finally finished it this week! I have started Boo's...now as well. That has helped... with the creative flow.

But it didn't seem enough. I wanted to tackle a really BIG project. A fun, challenging one. So a good friend of mine has been doing some new, fun stuff with fabric & sewing and we got talking at our book club... and it hit me. I want to get back to sewing again. I felt inspired to make pretty things. To make thing for my girls... aaaaahhh yes. I want to turn the back part of my family room in to a studio. A studio to do our clay, to do my sewing, scrapbooking. WHATEVER - but somewhere where I can have all my creative stuff in one area.

Boo's birthday is coming in July - and instead of waiting until last minute - where there would be no time - I found this awesome fabric and a voice in my head said 'go! you can do it - make her a dress'. Unfortunately, the designer of the fabric also made awesome patterns - but only to size 7. Too small. After much looking around etc. I e-mailed the DESIGNER herself, and she actually e-mailed me back and helped me out tremendously - like she was a friend next door. I found a wonderful woman who sold the fabric and when we started to discuss patterns... she told me she had a wonderful group of patterns that went up to size 10/12!! "PERFECT" i said... and looked at them.

I fell in LOVE. They were exactly my little girls' (yes both of them) styles. They WERE absolutely PERFECT. But then deciding on just one - would not do. So I chose three (but wanted more...).


Here is the dress I decided on... It is called the Lydia dress. It will be a challenge that is for sure - for the shirring in the bodice looks difficult. But a challenge I wanted... a challenge I received.

(all photos are from MATERIALGAL - go see her etsy shot (link below) she's fantastic)

This next one is an adorable skirt. But when I saw the name... I knew things were happening for a reason. There seemed to be Divine presence with me. See, I follow this blog about a young mother who was involved in a plane crash with her husband. I have been reading this blog for a long time - pulling for, praying with her and for her. Well her nickname happens to be NieNie... and so does the name of the skirt... The Nienie skirt. As I read further part of the proceeds go to help Nienie with her constant health costs. I KNEW that I had been sent here for a reason. That this is EXACTLY what I needed to be doing - sewing things for my girls!! To follow where I was lead was to help myself and to help in a small way Nienie. I couldn't believe it.
Isn't the skirt just darlin'??
That skirt name and what it represented just sold me (literally i bought it hehehe) - that I was doing the right thing, that this is what I should be doing. I was lead here and I followed. I was given an idea... it was popped in to my head... and I faithfully went for it.

And then I saw the shirts... fun, funky, different... SO my girls!!! These are the Juliet shirts... and I fell in love. I chose which girl would have what... and funny enough Ky chose the same way I did. She loves the one left and she thinks Boo will like the one on the right... YES!!! I think Boo will love that for her birthday!! (Shhhhhh she doesn't know of course...) So how cute are they? Right?!?!

So I picked out some patterns from PINK FIG. And the material... ahhhhhhhhhhh the material... a beautiful array from a designer named Patty Young. And it is ALL different palettes. The reason I fell in love - 1 palette is the mustard palette. ALL different yellows (Boo's favorite color) and one of the fabrics is DANDELION (Boo's favorite flower). The Flora & Fauna collection has butterflies, birds, bees, flowers (both girls love nature). It has a raspberry palette (Ky's favorite color is pink and purple and this is kind of a mix of both!!!). It is just wonderful. Here's a little sampling of some of the fabrics. I got the image from the etsy store I bought the patterns and material - MATERIALGAL!!! Just gorgeous! SO different than what I would normally choose!! I LOVE it! BEAUTIFUL! I am starting these shirts first... I cannot wait!!

I have to say thank you to Patty Young... designer of the fabric & the help she gave me to find her mustard palette fabric. And Stephanie at MATERIALGAL (http://www.etsy.com/shop/MaterialGal) for her tirelessly answering SO many of my questions and her kindness!!! She's a dream to work with and I suggest you see her online etsy store - she has got a TON of fabric!!