Surgery in only 8 hours...

I am wigging out...
I am anxious...
But I am hopeful!

My next post will be after surgery - here's hoping!!!!

I am so thankful for all the support I've been given. It means more to me than I could ever express...

T-MINUS TWO DAYS...

So why am I counting down to my surgery day? If it freaks me out that much? Why count down? Well most of the time I think I am handling it "o.k."... and then other times I think holy cow... it is THIS Wednesday! WOW! When the heck did that happen?

G. U. L. P. !!!

In a way I have been waiting all summer for this. The pain's getting worse - so I really should be ecstatic that I am having this done and hopefully going to be pain free. Yet, (there's that word again) I know I am getting anxious. My stomach is constantly flutter-y (swirly as Ky calls it). My heart does that extra beat here and there. I haven't been eating... I can't. I cannot sleep at night - it's been since Thursday that I've slept. I sleep for 20 minutes and then wake for 30-1hour... sleep for 30... wake for 30 etc... I have lovely bags under these greenish eyes of mine! BLECK. Is the 'Goth look' a good look for me?!

I know it's fear of the unknown. I know it's nervousness for my kiddos and my dear safety-hubby. I want their schedules to be as un-changed/un-interrupted as possible. I remember when my mom had major surgery (brain aneurysm) and how it affected me... I don't want that to happen to my family. But it will. That's life. But we will grow together as a family - and I have wonderful friends...such lovely, wonderful friends always helping and supporting us.

I don't look fwd to being sick after surgery. I don't look fwd to the rehab... it's going to be a long, long, long road...

The bright side?! PAIN FREeeeeeeeeeeeeee! This pain has gotten the best of me lately and I just have faith that it will all be good! And then NO MORE of feeling like this - EVER! I can be ME again!!! Gimme a WOOT WOOT! I have really high hopes. And I haven't had high hopes in the past for a long, long time. So this is good news! Hopefully mentally (& physically of course) I will start being Kymmie once more... I want to be happy, living life again with always a smile and not all this weight on me.

Asking too much? Well, we have to have hopes, goals, dreams right? I am trying not to be pessimistic right now. Optimistic like I used to be... Can't wait to do things like a young 30-something (ahem) woman.

Right now I am filled with some "raw emotion" - I am very emotional (in all spectrum of the term) - I guess that's normal. So I am burying myself in "getting ready" - not thinking and just moving ahead... I am scared. I am frightened. I am anxious. Mostly... I am trying to fill myself with being hopeful and having deep FAITH!

(If you don't mind... say a little prayer & good thought/wish for me... thanks!)

SCARY...

Why is it when you become a Mommy - your heart LEAPS out of your chest at least a million times a day... ok maybe not quite so much - but enough that I think I have shortened my life by maybe 5-7 years... AND gotten MANY white hairs due to it as well!!

I had one of these bad, SCARY Mommy moments the other night after school. I could tell that Boo was not 100% - she said her "bones hurt" - so I got her in a nice toasty bath, washed her up, and let her "play". I continued to fix dinner and get things ready for the evening.

I called her upon supper being ready... No reply...

Tidied something up... called her again... No Reply...

So I went to go get her...

She was floating in the water with her eyes closed.

Just lying there. My heart lept (GOTTA listen to your intuition ladies). I thought she was fooling around, told Chris "I think Boo's sleeping", & I went around the corner grabbing my camera to take a photo. Then I got this yuck feeling that she wasn't kidding... that perhaps she really was sleeping...

The flash came... NO Reply...

i don't even like looking at this photo... still...

OK so Chris and I both called her... NO rEpLy (panic... Panic... PaNiC...)


PANIC has now reached an all time HIGH... I shake her shoulder carefully so as not to startle her and make her go under the water...

...................NO REPLY...................

Then once more I pet her shoulder grasping it and and becoming a bit more frantic...

She flutters those ANGELIC eyelids open...

...and I start to finally breath again!

She peered at me quite confused. I gathered her up and hugged her tight in her towel. She was sooo nice and toasty warm and "Mame" (mommy) was so relieved and full of that mother's instant love I had to just hold her for awhile. Poor Boo wasn't feeling well at all - that she just fell asleep in the tub with only a small circle of her face above the water... after all "it was cozzzy 'Mame'...".

Chris told me LATER he could see her chest rising and falling ...he was trying to calm me down... hmmmm really?!?! Even when I think about it now - it still makes my heart just 'bottom out'. I could really use a lot less of these presque heart failures. It would mean a lot less white hairs - and I am kind of partial to my hair color as is!!

These scary Mommy moments make you really realize what precious gifts God has given to us. How blessed we are for what we have. And how much I adore my little girls.

I want to be pain free...

I am getting down again. I hate that. I think I am doing well and then it hits. I guess the "down-ness" never really leaves. I just think I am handling it better but maybe not. I get just feeling so alone and isolated. I love my family - more than anyone will ever know, I love my friends so much - I care for them so deeply... yet I just feel I hinder everyone else.

This morning I had a tough time standing at the bus stop. I am so tired of hurting just standing for 10 minutes or even 5 minutes. I mean what is that? It's crap... that is what it is. People must get so tired of me - I try not to complain - but it hurts and sometimes they can see how I feel. I hide how bad it is mostly. It's bad though - all the time. Poor Mr Safety Man - he hears the brunt of it. But this AM - after I stayed on the couch (after the bus stop) for a few minutes I couldn't walk. I stood up and just about screamed. Which FREAKED out my little baby Boo - which in turn made me feel WORSE. It brought me right back to the times when I absolutely could not walk. It's scary.... no one knows a person's pain. No one cannot relate - only to what they have gone through but no one knows how you feel totally. Perhaps that is where they isolation comes from. They can have sympathy/ compassion... but...

I don't know. I hate feeling like this. I am usually a very happy person. A loving, caring person (I like to think) - and yet I am just stuck in this painful (literally) state.

I pray that God watches over me for this surgery. I truly know in my heart we have made the right decision. I have had such yucky dreams about the surgery, doubtful thoughts (man I don't even want to write it... but I am working through this so I need to...) about paralyzation or even complications... gulp. I don't want to dwell on these. Because I have FAITH that God will be there and guide these surgeons. But they are there lurking and ALWAYS seem to come to the surface. It's this doubt and WAITING that's absolutely gotten me down.

I wonder what it will be like to be pain free?!? It's been YEARS... but I am waiting patiently (ok maybe not so patiently) and I know I have learned a lot - I am sure will be another post - because I am still trying to figure out what I have learned.

Pain free... sigh...

How I love thee FOOOOOOOOOOTBALL!

Oh yes people! It is THAT time... Football season as officially started... now most of the people that know me best - KNOW - how much I LOVE FOOTBALL! I love, love, love, love, love FOOTBALL! I could sit and watch it endlessly. Live... EVEN BETTER!

i know my girlfriends think - "CRAZY KYMMIE", but to me football is just nostalgic! I used to sneak from my nappy time and climb on top of my daddy's side only to wink in & out of blissful slumber watching football with him. It is one of the warmest memories I have. I truly enjoy sharing this part of my memory and common interests with my Dad!

Raymond James Stadium - too hot day - pre-season -1st ticket of 5 - Pats vs Bucs! I was SO stoked to be there!
Mr Safety-man and me at the beginning of the game!

Our first live game of 5 tickets...GO BUCS! GO PATS!!

So Chris gave me for our anniversary 2 years ago - 5 GAMES to watch the BUCS play LIVE at the RAMOND JAMES STADIUM. As we walked to our seats, we kept climbing further up, up, up, and ever further UP...until we reached the very last seat at the TIPPY, TIP, TOP of the stadium. Mr Safety Man and I had a great giggle at that (and my height issues were full on as well - it really was VERY high) - but I didn't care of the height... I got a date with him sans kiddos, I got to watch football, and I got to watch it LIVE!!!!

It's a little high (nervous) ... giggle giggle... but YES! We're here!

Honestly... I loved being where we were! I could stand up when I wanted to - without offending someone behind us! We got a GREAT breeze being up there, I could cheer loudly, and the cool thing - I learned a lot about plays being able to see them come to fruition - having mr. safety man as my ever patient teacher! Ahhhhhh such a great season! And the first game we got to watch... my two FAVORITE teams... New England Patriots vs Tampa Bay Bucs... toujours a New Englander...and loving being a West Coast Floridian now too!

It was so hot up in the stands... we brought the last few games - water with little fans to cool off!

I am such a football fan - I am in a pro pick 'em and Fantasy Football league - used to be the only female! AND I have to say have won Pro pick'em two years (in the 4 or 5 I've been playing), came in 2nd 2-3 yrs and 3rd the rest! And I won Fantasy 2 years ago... Yep... I LOVE FOOTBALL!

I sometimes feel guilty just watching the games... but then I realize I get A LOT of things done on Sunday afternoons... crafts with the girls (with sideways glances at big plays), folding laundry, cleaning or organizing drawers etc... anything that can be done in front of the games!! Now I will be able to do BEAUCOUP ceramics as well! YES!!! Well - after recovery! But there again - I HAVE to recover Dr's orders - so now I can recover in front of my games! GUILT FREE... ok well maybe not guilt free! But I have a GREAT excuse this Fall!!!

So I sat here today... clipping my coupons (see I AM keeping it up (like I said here) - still trudging fwd) while I got to watch FOOTBALL! It was not quite the same because my safety-man was driving home from a long trip away from us. But I still got the same thrill hearing the roar of the crowd... I miss going to the live games... some... but now I get to be curled up with my own little munchkin winking in and out and watching our teams!! GO PATS! GO BUCS! (too bad they lost today... but like I always say... it's only the first week).

Gooooooooooo teams!

They're Growing Up...

Ahhh it is that time... my big girl is enjoying her time with friends. She is truly wanting to spend time with them. And with that comes... SLEEPOVERS!! She has such a great group of friends - a great group. And this weekend she got to see a few of them and have a sleepover here on Sunday (it was a long week-end of course!).

They had a grand time doing a sing-along with American Idol on the Wii, watching a movie - High School Musical 3 (every great sleepover has to watch this don'tcha know), massages (appropriately done lol), and then the girls came up with a plan to to have a tent farm in Ky's room and they would sleep in the tents... and big sister included lil' sister... ahhhhhhh heart melting, proud moment for Mommy.

Deeply engrossed in their movie

So they put up tents. One "tent wing" was Ky's and her bff's room. A middle tent room (which Mugsy the pup took on as his own) was the sitting/moon area (named because it had a screen top), and Lil sis had the opposite "wing"! It was all so, so, so, soooo cute. I cannot express what hard work went in to each area! They really put so much heart in to their tent night!

"Tent Farm"

"Sibling Wing" Sleepy Lil' Sis

As they were excitedly showing me where everyone was sleeping (silly Mommy thought the guest would have her own tent) Ky proceeded to explain that they both were sleeping in this tent.... OH MY! After some careful checking and concern from Mommy - they both ASSURED me that this is what they wanted and it would be SO great and fun!! Well after all - isn't that what sleepovers are allll about? So I relented, they were so cute with those little eyes... yes I lost to the power of 9yr old puppy eyes!! However I told both girls if they got uncomfortable, hot, or if Ky started to cuddle with her bff (she has been known to do this) then either one of them could go up on to Ky's bed which was all turned down for them. So I of course checked on them several times (Boo informed me that Ky told her, after I said nighty night, sleepovers are for talking and giggling with your friends in to the night) - apparently it was not too late in to the night because I checked! I just couldn't believe how simply angelic and adorable they looked! So as every good Mommy I took photos!! Plus I wanted to show her Mommy how cute they were!

Boy they had so much fun... and I did too watching them!

how did they get so big already?

Maddening...

Budgeting stinks... it is hard but it's a necessary evil. With budgeting comes a lot of headache I think. It is this restriction where I have to fit a lot of my favorite parts of life in to this tight box and if they are extra... well then it can't be done. I do not really care for having boundaries placed on me (unless I of course bind myself to them). I have a tendency to push against restrictions... so here-in lies my problem. I know we need to start REALLY working hard on our budget but I DETEST doing it. My Safety-Hubs and I are trying to work together so that we can come to a mutual budget to help us both. Hmmm maybe I should look at it as a puzzle - trying to fit all these pieces together instead of going without and exploding from nothingness...

One way to help trim the fat so-to-speak - is watch spending at the grocery store... I am not that good of a grocery shopper I will fully admit it. I put it off like it is the plague come knocking at my door...I recently started to try and coupon "shop". I am such a newbie it isn't even funny. I am so intimidated by it all and yet here I am diving head first. I want to get as good as my friend or her friend... I mean total purchases totaling $125 and they pay $50 or less sometimes?? How in the heck do they do that?! I've tried... and failed...

But I am so unfocused... how do they find the time to plan, find coupons that really are what they need or use in their family, trim out & organize, and finally shop! It takes a long time to coupon shop. And you get a newbie like me trying to figure a layout of a new grocery store - well it's a recipe for disaster or a lesson in frustration to me. Imagine me going out for a "few things" and taking so long at our local Publix ping-ing from one end of the store to the exact opposite four-five times just like a pinball! CRAZINESS and maddening all rolled up in to one. I need to get organized, to streamline and learn the process better, faster ("We can rebuild her... we have the technology" - Bionic Man/Woman quote for all those out there that think I have totally lost it).

I digress... as usual... I try to give my family a variety of foods, healthy, yummy - but I am here to tell you it is NOT that easy on a STRICT and tight budget. My Safety-Man and I had that talk. You know the one I am talking about... the talk where he lets you know how far in debt you have become without realizing it. How life stinks... It's depressing... yes it is. But it is also an eye opener.... SOoooo coupon shop I will forge forward. I will try to get only things we need, and keep to lists and our budget (which is still morphing).

It's hard to keep under budget - especially when trying to kick in to gear a small business. We have bought so much to get things started. We have so much repair work to do to this house but now we need to decide on need vs aesthetics. We just have a lot pulling us in different directions... a crazy time. A budgeting time in which we need to stop, take a minute to breath, remember we are doing this for our family, for me to stay home, for our children to have someone with them, to keep our family whole. It is an important step however maddening. I just need to focus on the ultimate task and goal and relish in the fact that I am home with 2 beautiful little girls and take one step at a time with coupons and a limited list in hand...

Maddening musings