Why am i still up?

hmmm time clicks... it is late... but I cannot go to sleep. Why? Not sure. I have to say that part of it is that I love the quiet and "me time" when everyone else is asleep... but it also makes me so "not me" the next morning. I have gotten stuck in a rut of not sleeping as I should and sleeping in a bit too much.

Could part of it be a bit of self-loathing, unhappiness, stress, or what's the word for "escapeness"? Or could it also be because if I fall asleep - I know that tomorrow will be THAT much harder to wake up. Pain stinks. Pain really stinks. My back. Always my back. I truly hate my back right now. It's ugly with 2 scars and possibly a third one soon, but mostly it is the scars that no one sees... that I don't share with anyone, how scared I am of not being able to walk again (i've been there... done that). Too many scars to list...

When I wake up - I don't bounce... I drag, slide, sometimes crawl... It's awful. It's my nemesis-this pain. It makes me sad and makes me want to scream, yet is ALWAYS there. But at least MY pain makes me realize I am still alive... I am still here. I think back to when my pain all began - it was worse... I guess if one can quantify pain that way. All I could do with two tiny babies, no true friends close-by, and not being able to walk -literally... was just lie on the floor... play on the floor, watch tv or read on the floor... and be angry. But I think also I got to really be "there" on the kiddos level... Pain stinks... but it also makes me realize how lucky I am - and really... what do I have to complain about??

Other people have so much in their lives going on... I hate to complain or even mention my back. But you do have to have an outlet right?! I know my hubby gets sick of hearing me tell him what the latest is going on today. I mean I can walk (albeit sometimes with an ugly limp or hunched over) but mostly normal. I don't cry about it (heck - don't cry about most things - unless it's late... and it's "me time" and even then I have a hard time).

But I have to say... it's gotten me down lately. Did I make the right decision on waiting to have surgery, waiting to see truly if that's what I need to do. Should I have just bit the bullet and done the big, scary surgery. SHOULD I even do ANY surgery. I mean, it's not on an emergency basis (right now) like last summer's surgery was. Yet I need to do something. I am 36... not 80... Pain stinks... Pain is debilitating, what do I do??? Am I really doing things right by "taking things slow" this summer? Or am I just fooling myself and annoying all my loved ones, friends, family, the like... with all things relating to my back... and my stupid, yucky, always there, physical pain. It leads to some emotional pain too let me tell ya... stoooopid pain (said in my best homer simpson voice... which I don't watch so it's really funny to hear me even quote him).

Yes it's late, yes I am rambling, yes I am tired, yes I am in pain... severe pain tonight - 2 "heavy meds" at once pain (never really have done that), yes I can beat this... I must - not for me but my family. But why so much pain that comes when IT wants to come... and never quite goes away? Why does it constantly make me want to cry - but I can't. I feel a bit lost... I feel a bit down... I feel very alone. I feel nobody can understand. But EVERYONE can understand pain - they each have theirs.

My wonderful mentor and dear, dear friend has 2 life changing diseases... Interstitial cystitis (IC ) (which we thought Boo might have (or may have) http://marrinersmusings.blogspot.com/2009/02/what-we-would-do-for-our-kids-if-we.html) and fibromyalgia. Yet she smiles, and comes and visits, rides on the boat, hugs me, gives me advice, loves me, and truly inspires me. I want to be like her. I want to grab life by the reins and say "I can do this" - in my meek voice. I might be down and in pain - but I won't let it stop me from being me... but today I can't. I can't sleep. I can't walk. I can't be me... not today.

I leave this musing - as mixed-up and not readable as it is (like I said -it's VERY late) - with a prayer...

Lord, my God, please be with those that I love who are suffering from one form of pain or another. My inflictions pale in comparison to many I love, many I care for... why do I wrap my soul, O Lord, in self-doubt, in my pain? My iniquities shame me. My pain blinds me from seeing life right in front of me. O God, my God thank You for the blessings that You give me each and every day. Let me see joy and not the darkness that veils my eyes. Help me to strive to be better and have faith that You, God, abides. That You will help me through this pain... help me be me again. That You will be with my friends & family that need You... just as much as I need You.... Thank You Lord. amen